Hypothetically Speaking…What if…?

 

Dear Blog

I am sitting in the eating area typing because while Gerry watches TV in the other room. I should be grading my students month exams, but I think my mind is still chewing on the conversation that Gerry and I just had.

We were sitting on the couch together watching a movie on the TNT channel. I was looking around the room, observing ‘our’ things; the sofa, the desk, the knickknacks, the carpet, the small table in the middle of the room, etc. A curious thought popped into my head.

“Gerry…” I said.

He answered with a grunt while his eyes stayed glued to the TV.

“I know its still very early in our relationship, but have you ever thought about what would happen if this didn’t work out?”

This caught his attention and he shifted to look at me. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, have you ever thought that in the future you might want to get a divorce and marry someone else?” I could see a rather dazzled and confused look in his eye.

“Why are you asking that? Where is this coming from?” he asked. “I have not thought at all about the future of this relationship. I take it day by day. I haven’t even gotten used to the idea of “us” being married.” He stared at me and then continued  “Are you having second thoughts?”

“No, no I’m not having second thoughts at all. I guess I was just curious…” I suddenly felt uncomfortable by blurring out my thoughts.

“What is on your mind?”

“Nothing really.”

“Are you sure?”

“I think that by looking around our house, I see that there are pieces still missing and in a sense it feels incomplete. As if it was empty or waiting to be packed up again.  It reminds me of all those arguments my parents used to have…”

“You’re talking about all those fights they had when they wanted to get a divorce?”

“Yes.”

“Look Rae, I know that was hard for you. But in the end they stayed together. Things were hard and uncertain for awhile with you. I remember your teary midnight phone calls. It was very hard for you. However things worked out for them, they got therapy and stayed married.”

“But…”

“But if you would like to discuss the “hypothetic situation, the what if…” we can talk about it.”

“I just need to express that, If in the future, you want out or I want out we know what might happen.”

“Sure.” He leaned closer to me and hugged me. “So, if we got a divorce who get’s this sofa?”

“You Do!! It’s your sofa and it’s the worst thing in this house…” I answered jokingly.

“Deal. That’s all I want…” He turned the TV on mute. “What do you want?”

“I would like for things to be divided equally. Whatever I buy is mine and whatever you buy is yours. Everything in my room comes with me. Everything in your room goes with you. Whatever we bought together or for the house gets sold and we split the earnings. The house gets sold and we split the earnings as well.”

“Seems like you have given this a lot of thought…”

“I really haven’t thought about it much. It is just that I went through the heartbreak of watching my parents walk through the house yelling at each other and then going through the drawls and grabbing things, saying ‘this is mine’  or ‘that’s mine’…. I hated that. I hated the possession of things they bought together or for each other. I hated the fighting. “

“I promise that if this arraignment ever has to end, we will discuss it calmly. As heartbreaking as it may be, we will do things equally. Honestly above everything. Right?”

“Yes….Thank you.”

He put his arm around my shoulder and said “stop thinking such negative things. We’ve only been married three months.”

 

I don’t know what made me think of this. I guess it was just a random thought. But its nice to know that he took it serious. It is nice to know that I can count on him.

We have said it before, but our relationship has always had to be based on honestly. Even if it hurts. No lies, no disguise.

Now I better get back to checking my students exams.

 

till next time

XOXO

Desirae

Our Weird Habits…

 

Dear Blog

When you live with someone there are many things that start coming into the light. It’s very much like dating. When you start dating the guy or girl is always polite, correct and dressed fashionably nice. After months or years of dating, you begin to see sides to that person that the first dates didn’t revile. (such as maybe he likes wearing wrinkled shirts all the time, or prefers sitting and watching TV rather than hiking…Or she doesn’t always wear makeup, she prefers oversized T-shirts, etc)

Well something similar seems to be happening between Gerard and I.

Our relationship has always been based on honesty, brutal honesty. Even when we were friends we were always honest and very trusting. However now that we live under the same roof there are some ‘weird’ habits that I’ve noticed he has or he has noticed I have.

Some of them are funny the others just seems unique. But I thought I’d share them with you.

Gerard’s Habits (Top 5 for now.)

1) Whenever he is deep  in thought or analyzing something he stares off into space. Then he cringles his nose, making is upper lip stick up and his right eye twitches a bit. (I’d noticed him do this years ago when we were friends, but I’m starting to realized how often he does it…I find this habit adorable.)

2) He is always rubbing the back of his neck. At first I thought maybe he was ichy on the back of his neck because his hair cut is short and I thought that when the hair grew back it bothered him. However, even with ‘long’ hair, he rubs his neck.

3) His shoes always have to be aligned in the closet: sneakers, brown shoes and then black shoes.

4) If he doesn’t walk around the block (or walk a few blocks near the house) he can’t sleep. (I’m guessing this is a good healthy habit)

5) He chain smokes whenever he has had a bad day at work.  On good days he only smokes one cigarette before dinner.

 

My Top 5 Habits… (or Habits that Gerard has pointed out that I have)

1) I always wash the dishes in a specific order:  (We don’t have a dish washer so I put them on a green drain board we have.)  First I wash the plates, then I wash the glasses (cups), then the fry pans or containers, and last I wash the silverware.  (I hadn’t noticed this but it is true!)

2) I bite the inside of my lip when I am lost in thought (daydreaming). (or whenever I am deep in thought I bite the top of my lip) (my parents always complain that I have this habit)

3) I smoke a cigarette whenever I have a writer’s block.  (guilty as charged)

4) I line up the spices in the kitchen cabinet so that they are color coordinated.  ( i think it looks nice! but it drives him nuts)

5)  I talk to myself and answer myself when I think I’m alone. I do this a lot when I’m stressed (LOL…so true….)

 

So these were some odd habits that we have noticed in each other.

Maybe I’ll add more later…as the days go by we learn new things about each other and ourselves.

till next time.

XOXO

Desirae

Understanding Independence

Dear Blog

I have not updated in a LONG time!!!

Married life has kept me busier than usual. A couple big events have happened since I last wrote on the 5th.

I was fired from my job on the 10th. I was devastated. (I still am a bit devastated. I’d been working there for 4 years teaching/tutoring Spanish.) The school went bankrupt and was unable to pay teachers. I was ‘lucky’ enough to get paid some compensation since I’d been working there for so long.

A week later a new owner bought the building and it is scheduled to be demolished soon. I think they are planning on opening a commercial center.

Starting a new life and unemployed has added a bit of drama. My parents told me that things would get better and that maybe this was a blessing in disguise.

Since I haven’t been able work and job openings are scarce, I dedicated myself to being a complete housewife. All the boxes are unpacked and most of the knickknacks are placed around the house. The house is still missing furniture in certain areas. I think that the Bedrooms and Kitchen/eating area are the only areas that looked like they are lived in. The dinning room has 3 different folding tables leaning against that wall and two medium wooden cabinets (one that belonged to Gerard’s mother and one that my parents bought us) where we keep the new chinaware that we received as a wedding present.

The living room has an old sofa that Gerard had in his room. Everyone says that there is one particular item that guys love and their wives hate. The sofa is the one item I hate. It is a black suede couch that has silver and blue zig-zags through it. It is too modern for our house. If I could find a way to make it disappear (burn it!) I would. But Gerry L-O-V-E-S the couch. He told me that when he got his first pay check that was what he bought. (I think that if he paid more than 10 dollars for it, he got ripped off… Have I mentioned I hate it?) I tried putting a nice blanket over it, but he takes it off every time. It is the most uncomfortable couch to sit in. I guess we are lucky that we don’t have many visitors yet. As soon as I get a new job and I pull in a decent salary I am buying us a living room set.

The office is set up with two desks so that each one of us can get work done. Gerry doesn’t work much at his desk at home, he does a lot of his work at the office. I am guessing that in the end the office is going to become more like the Library (and my small office, since I work A LOT in the office.)

We just got internet and cable hooked up a week ago. Apparently some wires were messed up and the electrician had to come over and inspect the house. Now I can happily check my emails from the comfort of my home, without running down to the local Starbucks and buy a $5 dollar coffee just to check my emails.

Anyway, staying at home has been keeping me busy. I am not sure if I enjoy the 100% stay-at-home-wife. I miss getting up early in the morning to go teach classes. There are some days when I feel like I’m going crazy. But in general, I guess it still feels like I’m in a honeymoon.

Everyone says that marriage is an adjustment. I couldn’t agree more. Gerry and I are getting use to living together, learning to co-live. He puts up with my constant nagging of cleaning up and I put up with his disorganization.

There are a lot of things that we are learning to accept about each other. However there is this one thing that Gerry does that bothers me… He doesn’t call anymore when he’s at work.

He used to call me once or twice a day…and it made me feel special that he was so considerate. I don’t need for him to call me every second, we are living together, I see him in the morning and at night. What bothers me is that he doesn’t call to tell me when he’s going out to lunch or dinner with his friends. He doesn’t call to tell me when he’ll be staying late at the office.

Maybe I am overreacting, maybe it is not a big deal. But I grew up as an only child and I was required to always check in with my parents. If I was going to be late, if I was going to a movie, if I was having lunch at school or home, etc. I had to always tell someone my thoughts and my actions.

Gerard grew up more independent and free. He never checked in. (and if he did, it was always the next day.)

I am not asking for him to call me All The Time. All I ask is for him to be considerate of me. Twice this past week I have cooked dinner and waited for him to come home. He arrives at 11:30 and tells me he has already eaten. It hurts me, because I plan a nice dinner and I feel like a fool waiting for him. I wonder if he knows that I worry for him. I worry when I don’t hear from him. I try calling him and a lot of times his cel phone is out of range or he simple doesn’t answer.

We have spoken about this topic already, but I wonder if he really understands me. I’m not being neurotic, I just want to know if I should be expecting him in the evening for a family dinner. I just want for him to check in with me.

I guess I am just learning the hard way that he has always been free and never had someone checking in with him so much. I am understanding his independence from everyone. However, he’s not alone anymore. He has me. He has to know that there is someone waiting everyday to hear from him; good news and bad news.

Marriage is harder than I thought. (And I think this isn’t even the beginning of what may come… oh gosh….)

Till next time.

Desirae

aka. Mrs. Valdespino

Running into Daniel---64 Days Till Wedding

Dear Blog

The oddest thing happened today. I ran into Daniel Gregory.

My ex-boyfriend.

Here is a small secret: Daniel and I were dating for a month then Gerard proposed. No one knew we were dating; I had planned on telling Gerard when I saw him at Christmas. But then he asked me to help him secure his job by getting engaged.

Daniel and I got along very well, he was like a knight in shinny armor, but my heart was Gerard’s above anyone else’s. I met with Daniel after New Years and we had coffee. I didn’t give him the exact reason why I wanted to end it, I just told him I felt like I wasn’t into the relationship as serious as he was. I played the villain. He didn’t buy it. He tried fighting back, tried getting me to reconsider, but I couldn’t. I love Gerard and I’ve known him longer. I owe my friendship more to Gerard than to Daniel.

I remember the moment that I was breaking up with Daniel, Gerard called me on my cel-phone to tell me that his boss told him he was getting the job. I was happy for him; things were working out for him perfectly. I took it as a sign that I had to take the “fiancée” thing with Gerard seriously.

It broke my heart to see Daniel blame himself for having the relationship go astray so soon as so fast. I tried telling him that I was to blame, but he didn’t believe me. I knew I couldn’t tell him the real reason for the breakup. If I told him, he might go off and tell someone else. My engagement with Gerard had to be a secret.

After the coffee shop I hadn’t seen Daniel until now… We ran into each other at the mall. I was getting some new black high heels when I saw him standing across the store looking at a shirt. We stared at each other for a few seconds before embracing.

We talked for a few minutes before realizing that we had too much to catch up on. We went to the food court and had lunch.

“I can’t believe I’m running into you like this.” He said.

“Neither can I. How have you been? What have you been up to?”

“I am great. I’m going on an exchange program in January to Paris. So I’m just dealing with the final official documents.”

“Wow, Paris? Why Paris?”

“Last semester I met a girl from Paris. We’ve been dating for about six months now, but she goes back home in December. I am going with her. I’ll do a semester over there and then we’ll see what happens.”

“That is romantic! Oh, I wish you the best.”

“What is new with you? I heard about your last novel. Are you writing again?”

“I am still writing, but not as much as I’d like to. I am actually getting married in December.”

“You are getting married? Well congratulations! Who’s the lucky fellow?”

“Gerard Valdespino.”

“Gerry? Are you serious?” he laughed, but stopped when he realized I was serious. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh. I just… I always assumed Gerry was gay.”

I smiled and shook my head. “You know me. I can turn any guy straight.”

He laughed and congratulated me again. “So when is the wedding?”

“December 15^th at our Lady of Guadalupe church. You are invited to come of course.”

“I would love to come, Dessy, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to. I’ll be out of town from the 13^th of December until the 18^th.

We talked for a long time and caught up on lost time. I remember the feeling of being with him. I remembered what it was like the short time we were together. I wonder if I didn’t make a mistake by not telling Gerard that I was dating someone when he asked me. I know deep down that Daniel and I would have fallen apart sooner or later. I don’t regret the decision I took. I regret falling out of touch with Daniel…

As awkward as the meeting could have been, he made it fun. I am glad we had a chance to talk today.

Till next time.

Desirae

Some diary entry parts have been edited, removed or slightly changed so that I may keep some privacy. Nevertheless don’t doubt that much of what is written here is 95% in it’s original form.

Second meeting about Novel---65 Days Till Wedding

Dear Blog

I had a second meeting with my agent today. It wasn’t as eventful as I would have liked. There is still a lot of paperwork to be done. I need to go over some work with my editor to hand in a revised draft of my novel. This is going to take awhile… grrr…

I took me longer to get dressed in the morning than it took to have the meeting with my possible new agent and publishing house. I think my current agent/editor Graciela Ferriz, noticed my disappointment.

“You know how slow these things are De.” She said as I walked her to her car.

“I know. I think I just hope things would move faster this time. I hope things would have been for sure, and not still “maybe”. I want to make my novel work, but I’ll been very disappointed if I work hard on rewriting my novel only to have the publishing house say “no”.” I said.

“You have to take a risk if you expect to gain anything. Nothing is for sure.”

“I know. I am just swamped right now between work, school and planning the final details of the wedding.”

Graciela turned towards me and hugged me. “Everything will work out, don’t worry.”

“I know…or at least, I hope.”

“You’ll see… so, have you told Gerard about this possible new breakthrough?”

“No.”

“Afraid you’ll jinx it or that he’ll disappoint you?”

“I think it’s a little of both.”

She got in her car and started the engine. “You need to tell him. A marriage is based on trust and taking risks. There will be moments where he will disappoint you, just like there will be moments were most likely you’ll disappoint him.” Before I could reply she drove off. I didn’t need to reply…

I know he regrets what happened a month ago and I know that this won’t be the first time we have a quarrel.

My thoughts take me back to the day after he got back from his trip.

It was late at night when he stopped by the house. My parents were in the kitchen watching T.V. I didn’t want to make a show, or tell them we were still quarreling, so we went to a small park that was just a few blocks from my house.

Gerard: I´m sorry about what happened before I left.

ME: Don´t mention it. I don't want to talk about it. Why did you come? It’s late...

Gerard: Bryce and I thought that in order to try and make up for forgetting your big event that it would be best I come by and woo you to have dinner at any place of your choice this week.

ME: Do you honestly think that you can make up your mistake with a dinner? I don´t think so, especially when it’s clear that Bryce came up with that idea. I want you to leave now. You made it clear that this is an arraignment and nothing more. I am to be your show-case wife. You get to have the amazing job and lover. I will be here for appearances only. What you said before cut me deep inside and it showed me how much of a fool I've been. You made it clear that this is nothing for you...

Suddenly Andrew pulled me into an embrace, a strong hug that crushed my bones and burned my heart. It hurt me to push away, but I had to. I pushed and slapped him across the face as hard as I could. I had tears in my eyes.

ME: Don't ever do that. Don’t try and give me pity hugs, I won´t want to be your female version of Bryce. I will not be used, much less by you.

Gerard tried reaching out to touch my hand.

ME: Don't touch me! You have no idea how much you hurt me. Not because you forgot my event, but with the words you yelled at me afterwards. It hurt me Gerard, because I thought I was helping you and that you appreciated it. But it seems like you don't...

Gerard rubbed his head and sat on a bench that was nearby.

Gerard: I forget sometimes how hard this is for you. I forget that you're too good... too honest of a "wife" to look for happiness elsewhere, because you are very happy here with us... Because you take this seriously, you are an honest friend...

ME: I love you Gerard, as much as any friend could love another. I don't ask for much, except for you just take the time once in awhile to care for me. I'm willing to play the "wife" role and attend your conferences, meetings, promotions and more. All I want is for you to do the same. Be my "husband" even if it´s just for a little while. I mean... Bryce has been to more events of mine than you have. He has been more supportive than you have... I understand that this is just a facade. I understand that you will never love me, just don't use me. Don´t give me hopes of you ever becoming straight, because that is unfair. I´ve decided to spend the rest my life with you. So please tell me now if you are going to ignore me. Please tell me right now, if I'm just going to be another decoration in your home. Because if that is the case, then I am walking away from this right now. A marriage is based on trust and the couple being best friends. I believed with all my heart that we were best friends. I thought we could make "this" work. But I'll walk out the door right now, if you tell me that you don't care for me in the slightest... I need you to be honest with me. You owe me that much…

Gerard motioned for me to sit down next to him on the bench. I walked over and sat down. He took my hand in his.

Gerard: I'm sorry for all this. I'm sorry for dragging you into this mess.

ME: It's not a mess Gerry. I'm glad to help you...

Gerard: Hush love, let me finish... I am grateful for your help these past months. I am grateful for your friendship. Please don't think that I don't appreciate everything you do for me... for us. Bryce loves you, you have to know that. He really loves that you were willing to marry "us". Because the truth is, you married both of us. Your presence with us keeps us "straight" and allows us to have secure jobs. You have been a good friend, and you´ve made me happy. But I don't want my happiness to be at your cost. I apologize for what happened before I left. I truly apologize for forgetting your event and for the things I said. I also apologize for all the past times when you needed your "husband" and he was "off with a friend" or "busy at work". You have been an excellent fiancée. I will try and be a better future husband, but there has to be a limit. I can’t have you believing that I'll fall in love with you. You will only end up heartbroken. I really wish that after we were married that you would date, but I really doubt you’ll do that. Will you?

ME: No. I don't think so. I don't plan on it. I'm marrying you.

Gerard: You are committed to this and perhaps I should be a little more committed. I don't want you to leave. Not because I could lose my job, but because I'm afraid of losing my best friend. So please stay. Please don't leave this.

He held my hand in his and kissed it. It was sweet, it was sincere. I could hear the honesty in his voice. We walked back to my house.

ANDREW: Tomorrow, if it’s ok with you, I’d like to hear about your event and your day. I want to hear everything. I promise to pay attention. I promise I’ll listen…

Listen… that was all I wanted from him. He has been making an effort to listen and be more attentive with what happens in my life.

It doesn’t change the fact that I am terrified of telling him about my new possible novel. I wonder what he’ll think or say…

Desirae

Some diary entry parts have been edited, removed or slightly changed so that I may keep some privacy. Nevertheless don’t doubt that much of what is written here is 95% in it’s original form.

Possible 2nd Novel Published---67 Days Till Wedding

I got a call yesterday from my editor/agent. A publishing house is interested in a novel I wrote a few years ago. I am excited. The first novel did very well; it sold out during the first two months. Now it is in the process of being translated into two languages. I am proud.

This second novel is very different from anything else I’ve written. It is memories of my high school years; my years of torment and bullying. The title and much of the “raw” topics have to be modified, but if all goes well, it looks like I may have a second novel on bookshelves by January.

Fingers crossed!! I have a second meeting with my editor the day after tomorrow.

Speaking novels and publishing’s… I haven’t told Gerard yet. I want to tell him. It has been a month since our big fight, but it is still a sore subject to talk about with him. We just got back on speaking terms. I am still mad at him, but we are working through it.

He knows how much he hurt me…and I guess every “couple” goes through rough patches…

[Diary Entry # 282

September 24^th,

10:00am

My grandfather has a small apartment that he rents. Right now it is vacant, so he was nice enough to let me stay at it while they fumigated our house. I am very allergic to the spray they use to fumigate. Mom and Dad stayed at home to take care of the dogs and overlook the workers. I will only be staying here for a week. I am enjoying the certain freedom of being on my own. Mom came over yesterday to drop of food, cleaning supplies and some cloths. I am excited this afternoon I have my First Translated book release party! The event is being held at a local bookstore and my family, colleagues and friends are attending. This is the first big event where I think Gerard can be proud of me. He will stand next to me and show everyone “This is my girl. This is the amazing woman I am marrying.”

To top off the celebration, I invited the guys over to my “new place” for dinner.

9:40pm

I am sitting at a coffee shop as I write this. I needed to get out of the house. I needed to clear my head. Gerry and I had a big fight. He didn’t show up. Bryce didn’t show up. I had to make up a lame excuse for my fiancée not being at my big event. I feel sick at my stomach. I feel heartbroken…

After the event I drove home. My parents wanted to come with me, but I told them I wanted to be alone. I lied and said I still have homework to do and I needed to concentrate. They congratulated me and then drove away. I walked into the apartment and started making dinner. Bryce showed up soon afterwards and helped me. I was drinking a wine and making spaghettis when he struck up a conversation with me.

“How was your day at work?” he asked.

I smiled and said “It was very fruitful. My fourth grade students are working on their short stories and my sixth graders learned the vocabulary for the novel they are reading this month. The remodeling they were doing in the library is done and now I have a little reading corner set up for the little kids. I’ll be teaching kindergarten again next year since I need to have more time off to be a housewife.”

“Has Andrew been getting on your case about being a housewife?”

“No. Not at all, on the contrary he rarely talks about it. I just want to have time to be more time at home, with you guys.”

“But we both work late.” He said as he munched on a piece of garlic bread.

“You could come home for lunch.” I said trying to sound encouraging.

“That is not a bad idea. I would love to have lunch at “home”.

“ Great, so starting next term, beginning of February you can have lunch at home. “

Bryce smiled and picks up a cold glass of water. “Aww. My tooth is so sensitive. I really need to get to the dentist.”

“Have you called to set up an appointment?” I asked, but I already knew the answer.

“No. I always want to call during my lunch break but then I get busy doing other things and I forget.”

I rolled my eyes. “I thought you might forget. So I called and made you an appointment for this Friday at 6:30pm. You need to get permission to leave work 15 minutes early so you can find a parking spot.”

Bryce caught me in an embrace “You are a saint. Thank you so much. Let me write it down in my agenda… (he starts jotting it down)…Rae.. is today the 24^th?

“Yes it is.”

“I have written in my agenda that today was your book release and signing at 4pm. Please tell me that I wrote it in the wrong day. “

“I am amazed that you did have it in your agenda after all… “ I grabbed my glass of wine and held back my tears as I took a drink.

“No! No! Desiree, please forgive me! I don’t know how I could have forgotten! I´m so sorry! How did it go? “

“I don’t mean to be rude, but Bryce, I really don´t want to talk about it today…”

“Oh Desiree, please, forgive me. I forgot, I had a lot of meetings to discuss my new movie. And I was having trouble with the editor who was helping me with the script. I’ll make it up to you…”

“Make it up for me? How in the world are you going to make up for the fact that you forgot my book release? What could you possibly do or give me? It was time and a moment in my life that you missed out on. You can’t take back lost time and try and fix it. You forgot, I get that, I understand that. Just don’t promise to make it up, because you can’t.”

I don’t know why I’m so angry at Bryce… I know my true anger is towards Gerard. I threw my glass of wine in the kitchen sink, shattering it. I put the sauce on the spaghettis and put it on the table.

“Dinner is served; Gerard should be here in about 10 minutes. I put the rest of the garlic bread in the oven. Leave the dishes when you’re done and I’ll wash them.”

“Desiree, we can wash the dishes, you don’t have to do that for us or him.” He grabbed my arm. “This is your celebration. You don’t have to do anything.”

“Don’t I? I mean, isn’t that what the future-wife is suppose to do? Isn´t that what I’m here for? To be his wife and your helper?”

The front door opened, followed by a “I´m home” and then a “wow, what’s this big meal for? What are we celebrating?” I didn’t answer; I simply walked away and slammed the door to my room shut. I could hear whispering on the other side of the door, then a lot of curse words followed with the phrase “that was today???” there was a knock at my bedroom door.

Andrew peeked his head in through the door “Can I come in?”

“No.”

He walked in anyway and sat down next to me on the edge of the bed.

“I’m sorry I forgot your event. I know that at least one of us should have been there. But Andrew was at a meeting and I was preparing the final photographs that will be displayed in the magazine next month.”

“Don´t lie to me please… it´s unfair. I called Andrew’s office at 4:30 and he was out to lunch with a friend and when I called your office you were also out with a friend. You both went to lunch together.” I answered as tears streamed down my face.

“You tried calling us?”

“ You cel-phones were off. You only turn them off when you are together at lunch. So, darling, I have a right to feel hurt. My family, friends and colleagues were there but my future husband and friend were not.

“I will apologize as a friend for not being there, but as a husband, I will not. You take this too serious. I am your friend, not your lover or husband. We are in this together as an agreement. Stop thinking it is real.” He answered getting up from the bed and staring down at me. It stung in my heart what he had just said. My sadness was replaced with a deep anger and pain.

“This really means nothing to you, does it? This is only business for you. I’m such a fool. You get the amazing job, the amazing lover and a stepford wife to keep appearances. I thought that perhaps you loved me a little. A little more than a friend but less than a wife… What about the kiss you gave me at our engagement party last month? You never kissed me like that, what was all that about? Was that an act to play with my feelings?”

“That kiss was nothing Desiree! Stop imagining more! I only kissed you like that because I was imagining that I was kissing Bryce! I was kissing him not you! So stop this one and for all.” He screamed at me, stopped, and then put his hand through his hair…

I felt sick at that moment. I felt the walls come in on me and the world fall apart around me. “You were thinking of Bryce? You sick bastard...This… this is it. I can’t take this … not from you.”

I grabbed my coat and ran out the house. Bumping into Bryce, who clearly heard the whole fight, and I got in the car and drove. I didn’t have any place in particular that I was driving to; I just got in the car and drove.

That is now I ended up here at an old coffee parlor. I walked in and sat a booth. I took long deep breaths to keep from crying in public. How humiliating that would be…

I’ve been sitting here for about an hour now. I have lost count of how many cups of coffee I had drank. All I know is that if those cups of coffee had alcohol in them, I would be laying on the floor passed out.

I better get back home now…

1:00am

I got home about an hour ago. I was surprised to see Gerard’s car still in the driveway. Bryce must have left. The kitchen was picked up and the food was away in the refrigerator. Gerard was sleeping on the sofa. I walked by him and into my room. The door accidently slammed when I closed it, waking up Gerard. I locked the door and sat on the bed. I could hear him on the other side of the door.

“Rae… it’s late. Are you ok?”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk to him.

“Please open the door. We need to talk… I’m sorry for what happened. I’m sorry for what I said…Listen. My job is sending me on a trip the day after tomorrow. Call me. I really want to talk with you before I leave…”

I could hear him leaning against the door, and then the creaking of the floor as he walked out the door.

You broke my heart Gerard. I don’t know if you understand how bruised I feel…]

END OF DIARY ENTRY # 282

I didn’t call him the day after that and we didn’t talk much during his two week business trip. Bryce took him to the airport and his father picked him up. I am grateful that he had that trip. It allowed me to have some space and deal with my feelings.

After his trip we got together for dinner at his place and discussed what happened… Perhaps I will go into that conversation later.

For now, I am happy. I am excited at the idea of having another book published… I will not tell anyone until it is a for sure thing.

XOXO

Desiree

Some diary entry parts have been edited, removed or slightly changed so that I may keep some privacy. Nevertheless don’t doubt that much of what is written here is 95% in its original form.

My Head Is Killing Me_ 70 Days Till Wedding

My

Head

Is

Killing

Me.

I'm so worked up between my part time job and trying to finish my thesis...

Good news today is that the tickets for the honeymoon came in the mail this afternoon. I came home and found the envelope on the kitchen table. Our honeymoon will be two weeks visiting Europe. Gerard has been to various places in Europe since he was in High School. I have never been to Europe. I used to joke with him that for my honeymoon (or when I was a Best Seller author) I would travel to Europe. My novels are selling well, but I still have awhile to go. :)

He loves traveling, but more than traveling he enjoys being able to come back to a “home”. I enjoy hearing his adventures while traveling and I look forward to having him take me on a tour throught Europe.

Speaking of traveling... his flight came in this morning. His father picked him up from the airport. The business sent him two weeks to New York to work on a project. I couldn’t go pick him up, I had an early class in the morning. Besides, I’m not sure I want to see him yet. Before he left we had a huge fight. I will most likely write about it later. My headache is too bad to have to add on the memories of that fight.

Sometimes we are both so stubborn…

Along with the wonderful envelope with our honeymoon tickets, I found a notice from the Real Estate reminding us to put down another payment for the house.

Our little love nest.

LOL.

We’d be living in a house that we both have been working to pay off. The house is two stories high with three bedrooms (On a regular base: one for guests, one for me and one for the couple. On a fake bases: One guest room, one craft room, our room), 3 and a half bathrooms, kitchen, living room, garage, etc.

The house is on a friendly little neighborhood, but luckily all the houses are spread out. No one will really notices that we might pull off a “Me, You and Dupree”. (reference to the movie.)

One of the agreement is, that a third of his salary is to help around the house, (he pays for a few of my “wife”-privileges, such as taking me out the movies, or paying the water, gas and light bill, etc. the other part of his salary is for him and his lover (or boyfriend, I’m not sure which is the better term. to enjoy.) I also take one third of my pay check and put it into the house. The other part is for me to enjoy and put away for any “future” family members.

Future family members…we never spoke of that really…I wonder if he’ll want kids with me…I wonder how we’ll have children…

I think it’s still too early to think of such things.

I can’t stand my brain anymore. I’m going to bed.

XOXO

Desirae

A Day with Bryce_ 71 Days Till Wedding

Dear Blog

I love Mondays. I don’t have any classes on Mondays this semester! Since I´m due to graduate December 3^rd, I have fewer classes. (but that doesn’t mean they aren’t as difficult). Yesterday was a very eventful day with Bryce.

I love going shopping with him because he seems to know where the best shops are. He also understands my style better than Gerard. We weren’t able to find a dress, but we did find a beautiful wedding shop that designs dresses. I had not really considered designing my own dress. I guess I’m lazy that way. I wanted to find my perfect wedding dress hanging in some shop just waiting for me. But Husband #2 (our pen name for Bryce), proved me wrong.

After looking in about 4 different shops, Bryce told me he was going to take me to the best shop he knew.

“I can guarantee that you will find your wedding dress there.” He said as he dragged me downtown. “It is the best spot to shop. My co-worker said she got her dress there. I saw pictures of the dress and it was stunning.”

“What about the prices?” I asked.

“They are reasonable.”

I didn’t believe him, but he had been such a trooper by going all over town with me and watching me try on endless amounts of dresses. I knew he wouldn’t lead me to a shop that wasn’t up to the standards.

As soon as we pulled into the parking lot I saw about 4 dresses hanging in the window that I loved. They were original, unique and different from what I’d seen before. I was out of the car and pressing myself against the window in no time.

“Oh! Bryce! Look at the dress! Isn’t it beautiful?” I pointed at a dress that had embroidered white roses long the edge. The top part of the dress was striking, but was a halter top. (Goner…) “Oh! Look at that dress! I love the veil!” I pointed a plain white dress that gathered in the back and had a lacy veil with swirls of pearls. I continued to walk along the window staring in at the different dresses and pulling Bryce along.

“Desiree, you know that you can actually go inside, right?” he said jokingly with me.

“What is this place?” I asked as I walked in. We were greeted by a woman in a beige suit. She was holding a small tray with a little white notebook that had a wedding dress design on it. The notebook came with a black pen that was decorated in a little black suit.

“Hello! Welcome to “Brides and Dresses”. All the dresses you see are one of a kind.” She handed Bryce and I a notebook with a pen. “These are dresses designed by designer students that want to specialize in wedding dresses. Please feel free to look around the store and try on any dress you like. If you see a design that calls your attention then write down the number of the dress to that we may help you design your perfect dress.”

I looked over at Bryce who seemed to be glowing with pride. He had found my perfect wedding shop. We walked around the shop and I tried on a couple dresses, but none of them looked as nice on me as I wanted. I kept writing down in the notebook ideas that I had for my dress. Soon, I had a small sketch of how I wanted my dress. We walked up to the young woman to ask if we could get a quote on how much it could cost to design my dress.

“When is your wedding?” the young woman asked.

“In two months.” I answered. “In 71 days to be exact.”

“Wow, congratulations!”

“Is it possible to create a dress from an original design in that short of time?” Bryce asked.

“It is cutting it close, but it isn’t impossible. Creating the dress and having it ready on time really depends on the design. It depends on all the details. Do you have an idea of how you would like your dress to be?”

I showed her my sketch and told her what pieces I liked from the other designs. She excused herself for a second to call the designer department. I was nervous that perhaps they would say it wasn’t possible to accomplish in such a short time.

“My supervisor says we can have the dress done in two weeks. Most of the extra design, such as the embroidery can be done within a month. But before we go into such details, we need to make sure the dress fits.”

“Are you saying that if all goes well the whole dress could be done within a month?” I asked in shock.

“Yes, ma’m.”

“Wow, I’ll definitely take it. However I do have one more question. How much will it cost?”

I’m not going to tell you the price she said, because you would not believe me. It was, as Bryce said, a very, very reasonable price. I would have paid at least a couple of hundred bucks more than what they were asking.

So I got the dress. They took my measurements there, so that in two weeks (October 22^nd.) I can go back for a fitting. I’m excited to see how it will look. I can’t wait to bring my mom with me next time so she can see the dress.

I know she was a bit disappointed that she wasn’t able to come with me today. She went to Laredo, Texas to pick up the mail. Our mail box has been getting filled since I am still getting RSVP’s to the wedding.

Bryce drove me to my house and I invited him in to hang out some more. I heated up some cups of hot water to make instant coco. Autumn weather has started, every night is cold. I figured something warm would keep our spirits up. He sat at the kitchen table watching me jump up and down from excitement.”I got a dress! I got a dress!” I kept singing. He laughed and turned on the TV. An elaborate commercial about Halloween Sales was playing.

“Do you remember the first time I came to your house?” he asked.

“Yes, of course. It was at New Year’s Eve last year. I had a wonderful time. Normally I hate the celebration of New Year’s, but that time I loved it. Plus, you taught me to dance.” I said, handing him his hot drink.

“I had a great time too. I was thinking that maybe we should take a dance class together…”

“That would be lovely…”

I had always been a terrible dancer…and I used to think it was due to my weight. But last year, Bryce taught me that it wasn´t my weight that kept me from dancing, it was my fear of making a fool out of myself…

DIARY ENTRY #14

January 1^st,

11:00am

Dear Diary

LAST NIGHT WAS A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!! Everyone came over to the house. Gerard and Bryce showed up early to help me decorate. They even brought music to brighten up my day. I have always been a bum when it comes to celebrating New Years eve. I don’t like celebrating the start of a new year, I have never seen any sense it in. Each year always seems to be uneventful. Last year however ended amazingly and this year started even more amazingly!!

My classmates showed up around ten o’clock and hung out at the house until about one in the morning. Gerard drank himself into a very happy and friendly stage, while Bryce remained the sober designated driver. I was busy playing hostess and staying away from the “dance floor”, when Bryce came to find me. He told me to relax and enjoy the party.

“I’m only seeing you run around everywhere trying to please everyone. Relax and enjoy your party. Come out and dance a bit.”

I shook my head and told him I preferred to watch the dancing. “I can’t dance.”

“That’s nonsense. I am sure you are a very good dancer. Weren’t you in dance classes when you were younger?” he asked.

“I was in folkloric dancing and hip hop years ago. But I got kicked out of the schools.” I said. “I couldn’t keep up.”

“Well, today is your lucky night. I feel like dancing and you are going to be my partner. My boyfriend, your fiancée, is too drunk to dance, and I’m not going to start the new year without having one last dance.”

He dragged me out of the kitchen and into the living room where everyone was dancing. He told me to ‘feel’ the music and sway with it. I tried it and I felt like a stiff robot. I could tell by his face that I was doing something wrong. “Wait.” he said. He held his hands out for me and started spinning me around, pulling and pushing me towards him. It was a very dizzy kind of fun dance. My feet started moving at their own rhythm. (and I only stepped on his feet a couple of times.) My friends started clapping as we danced together and I felt like free. The radio in the other room caught our attention. The countdown for the New Year was about to begin. We grabbed our little cup with twelve grapes and started the countdown.

Five

Four

Three

Two

One

Happy New Year Everyone!!

Bryce and Gerard both caught me in a big huge. “Happy New Year Desiree”.

I don’t think the New Year could have started any better. I felt loved and being embraced by my two best friends was the greatest way to start the year… I may not have the perfect weight, but I have two amazing friends that keep trying to make me fearless to the smallest things in life… ] END OF DIARY ENTRY #14

I have lost a lot of weight since then. I obviously had to for the wedding. I’m healthier, and in a way, I always hoped that by losing the extra weight Gerard would find me more attractive. But to my disappointment, he still looks at me the same way. I shouldn’t complain, I would probably still love him and look at him the same way if he gained weight…

My dancing hasn’t improved, but I feel lucky knowing that there is someone out there willing to dance with me, even when I make a complete fool of myself.

I think I might take up Bryce’s offer about signing up for dance classes. Gerard is an excellent dancer, but he doesn’t ever have the time to teach me. We get desperate with each other when it comes to dancing. I’m not sure we are going to dance at our wedding reception… I wonder if it would look bad to dance with the Best-Man? Lol.

XOXO

Desiree

Some diary entry parts have been edited, removed or slightly changed so that I may keep some privacy.

Nevertheless don’t doubt that much of what is written here is 95% in it’s original form.

Telling His Parents_Part-2_72 Days Till Wedding.

PART II

Dear Blog

I guess he is pissed that I didn´t answer this text message. Maybe I’ll answer it later. If I feel like it…

Where did we leave off?

Oh, of course telling his parents…

PART II

Continue from Diary Entry #5

Gerard arrived at half past two at my doorstep. (Once Again without any flowers. I guess I should not expect that from him; he has never got me flowers. The fantasy of him getting flowers has always been in my head… bummer…)

I jumped in the car telling him that my mom wasn’t in a good mood and that it would be best to say hello to her after we got back. I guess he realized that I was on the verge of tears, because he didn’t argue with me.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

“I had an argument with my mom. It is nothing new and nothing you should worry about. “

“I don’t believe that you’re fine. But I know what will cheer you up.”

He turned on his I-pod and connected it to the stereo in his car and we listened to the hit songs for a couple minutes. He started singing some of the lyrics while I just bobbed my head back and forth. I’ve never been a good singer, so I don’t sing in public. I once sang at a party and Gerard said that his ears were ringing for two days. (he always knows just the right thing to say to brighten my day… lol).

“Sing, Rae” he told me. “It helps liberate your spirit.”

“That is the biggest lie I’ve ever heard!” I laughed at his idea. I held up an invisible microphone and lip-sang with him while he drove. It took my mind off my mind and within another couple minutes we were talking about something else. I asked him if he had told his mom why we were going over to visit. He said that he just told her that we were going to go out to have coffee.

“My dad will catch up with us later.” He told me as we pulled into his mother’s drive-way. “He has a couple rounds he has to do at the hospital this afternoon. But he’ll meet us at the restaurant; I told him it was important.”

He turned off the engine in the car and just sat there.

“Are you ok?” I asked. “Are you nervous?”

He looked at me and smiled. “I just never thought something like this would ever happen. I never thought I would be coming home with a girl to tell my mom that I was getting married.”

I laughed and unbuckled my seatbelt. “Don’t worry, love. I’m sure she never expected this day to come either… You do have 911 on speed-dial, right?”

Our conversation was interrupted when we heard his mother’s voice coming from the front door. “Honey, is that you? I just came back from the grocery store. Could you help me unload the stuff? I’ll be in the kitchen. Don’t carry too many bags at a time and drop things. I spend too much time at the store trying to buy the best fruit, only to come home and have you drop the bag.”

Sensing that it wasn’t an option to help or not help, Gerard and I each grabbed a couple bags and walked inside. I have only been to his house a handful of times, and each time I go I fall in love with his house. His mother has the best eye for decorating. Every detail in the house, from the carpeting to the ceramic figurines is in a room for a specific reason. Everything in the rooms is color coordinated and welcoming. I’ve often told Gerard that if his mother hadn’t become a lawyer, she would have been an excellent interior designer.

“You have a beautiful home Mrs. Valdespino.”

“Oh thank you Desiree. It is always a pleasure to have you come over. You make my day with your polite comments.” She quickly kissed me on the cheek and continued about unpacking the groceries from the bags. “Keeping this house tidy is a challenge seeing that the boys don’t ever help around the house. They leave the women to do all that work.”

“I’ll make sure that if I have boys to teach them how to keep a house tidy.” I replied.

“Well, not if I can help me.” Gerard said, closing the front door and carrying in the last bag. “Boys should be allowed to come and go as they please. The duty of the house is either done by women or hired help.”

Mrs. Valdespino laughed. (She has the nicest laugh, I wonder if she knows that. I hardly ever hear her laugh. She is always so serious and I guess her profession asks her to be serious.) “Honey, how is it your business what your friend decides to do with her children. You keep your nose out of it.” She waved a carrot at him.

“Well, you just never know mother.” He said, pulling my up my left hand to show her the ring. “I hope to have at least half a say in the raising of the kids.”

His mother looked at me and then at the ring. She congratulated me and complimented the ring. “How lovely! Who is the lucky fellow?”

“Your son.” I said. “He proposed last night.”

She stopped dead in her tracks and stared at Gerard and me. I could tell that it seemed like she was waiting to a punch line or for us to burst out laughing and say it was a joke. But when she saw that neither one of us was laughing she took my hand in hers again and said: “You’re shi**ing me right?”

I don’t know if I laughed because I thought it was funny or because I was nervous as hell. We assured her that it wasn’t a joke. I could tell she was still in shock, so we went into the details of how he proposed. Soon she was in tears and hugging me. It was then that I realized that she did in fact have suspicions about Gerard and his preference, but by getting engaged her suspicions vanished. She kept congratulating us over and over. Then, as if a crazy idea came across her mind, she stopped. She looked at me and then at Gerry.

“Wait, when are you planning on getting married? You’re not pregnant are you?” she put her hand in front of my stomach. (DIET SOON!!!!)

Luckily Gerard took over and told her that the wedding would take place in a year from now. I’m excited now that she knows. She seems thrilled with the idea of having me as a future-daughter-in-law and I am thrilled with the idea of being in her family. She is a very nice lady and I’m excited of having her as a mother-in-law.

Gerard told his mom that we were going to go out to coffee to meet his father and tell him the good news.

“Before we leave, I want a picture of this moment. I want a picture of the very moment you guys came over to tell me you’re getting married. The glow you both have right now won’t last until the wedding. Let me get the camera.” She ran into the other room and ran back out. “Say ‘cheese!’ “ ] PAUSE FROM DIARY ENTRY #5

She was right. That picture is one of my most favorite pictures because we do look happy and “glowy” together. In the picture I am sitting at the kitchen table and Gerry is leaning over with his head against mine. We are both smiling into the camera…

[ CONTINUE…

Skipping to the restaurant…

Men are so much simpler when it comes to expressing excitement. Gerard’s father gave him a big back-breaking pat on the back and hugged me. He smiled with such pride that it stung in my heart. I wonder if it bothered Gerard. I wonder how they would react if they knew the truth. Would they be this excited if Gerry married his true love Bryce? I could bet my life that this scenario would probably play out differently.

“I’m proud of you son.” His father said. “It seems like you’ve got a very nice woman here. A true keeper.”

“We were afraid that you would never get married…” his mother began.

“Why was that?” I asked.

“Well, because…we went through a terrible time when we were getting divorced. I guess I was afraid that he would be hesitant to every get married.” His father answered.

His parents asked me a little more about myself and asked when I graduate. Gerry and I have not discussed the wedding date yet, because up until now, we’ve only talked about being engaged until he gets his promotion. It is kind of sad that we are going through all this farce to pretend to be engaged only to make sure his job is safe…

If I could, I would love to get married on December 15^th and if my calculations are correct, I could be graduating college two weeks before getting married…

Do I really know what I’ve gotten myself into? ] END OF DIARY ENTRY #5

No, I have no idea what I’ve gotten myself into… but I don’t regret how far we’ve come.

Bryce is coming to pick me up later to help me find a wedding dress. No one can believe that with only 72 days away from the wedding I’m still looking for a dress… I’m just looking for the perfect dress. Maybe I should design it…

XOXO

Desirae

Some diary entry parts have been edited, removed or slightly changed so that I may keep some privacy. Nevertheless don’t doubt that much of what is written here is 95% in it’s original form.

Telling His Parents_Part-1_73 Days Till Wedding.

Dear Blog

I just realized that in the last post I didn’t write about how we told his parents. I began by telling you that I was with my future-mother-in-law looking at a picture she took of us, but then I forgot to mention it again. On the first night of the proposal we told my parents and the following night we told his parents.

Therefore without much ado, Diary Entry #5 Part 1 (I say “part 1” because I have an important meeting tomorrow and it is very late at night, so I doubt I will have time to write the whole day down.)

Diary Entry #5

[December 23^rd

Dear Diary

It’s almost 2:00 o’clock. Gerard said he was going to pick me up at half past one…or was it half past two? In any case, I guess it’s just as well that he didn’t arrive early or on time. My mom and I just had a big fight about him. She doesn’t understand why I’ve agreed to marry him. She doesn’t approve of it. She thinks I’m being foolish and that I’m jeopardizing my future.

“He is gay!” she screamed at me. “How could he possibly make you happy? How could you consider marrying him?! I will not pay for you to have a fake wedding…”

“Mother!” I was sitting in the living room rubbing my head. Her screaming was causing me to have a headache. “It isn’t for sure that we might get married. This is just something that happened and I agreed to it because we both love each other. Maybe it’s not the typical romantic type of love that we see in movies or the type of romantic love that I’ve searched for when I date. But we respect each other. He cares for me as I am and I care for him as he is…”

“So all this is a farce? You’re not going to eventually get married to him?”

“I don’t know yet…” I wanted to tell her the truth that we were just pulling this off until for awhile. “I don’t expect you to fully understand my decision mom. I just want you to support it. If you don’t want to spend a lot of money on your only daughter’s wedding just because she is getting married to someone you don’t approve of then you don’t have to. I…We will find another way to finance a wedding. He is graduating this coming spring semester and I will graduate next fall semester. We will find a way to work things out. “

My mom finally sat down on the sofa across from me. I could tell that she was still very upset.

“I can’t deal with this.” She said. “I just don’t understand why…”

I knew I was going to have to lie…and I regret what I said as soon as it came out of my mouth. “He swings both ways mom. He’s gone out with guys, but now he’s wants to start a ‘normal’ family. I would like that very much as well…”

My mom stared at me. I could tell she was still trying to figure out things in her mind. “I can’t do this right now. We will talk about this later tonight.”

“Gerard is picking me up in a little bit. We are going over to tell his mother and then his father. I will try and be home early.”

“Do whatever you want. I don’t care.” She spat out at me as she walked into the kitchen.

I could feel tears forming in my eyes as she said that. I wonder if what I’ve gotten myself into will ruin our relationship. Maybe I should back out? I felt like the house was suffocating me, so I walked outside. I looked down the street to see if I could spot Gerard’s car coming. We needed to talk before we headed over to his parents place.

We had agreed to go to his mother’s house first since it was closest and then drive to his father’s place. Gerard’s parents got divorced when he was a teenager, and even though they ended things badly, they were always present for their children. I have never met his father, so I’m a bit nervous to find out what he is like… His mother on the other hand, is a very strong-minded person who can be very sweet or your worst nightmare.

I hope that we can have a good relationship for the sake of the whole family. If my mom and her team up to go against Gerard and I being engaged I don’t think I’d be able to go through with this. I don’t think his mother knows of his sexual preference, but I’m sure she suspects. I’ll find out soon enough…

] END OF DIARY ENTRY #5 PART 1

It is late and this was one of the hardest entries to edit. I can’t stay up longer, but I will finish editing it tomorrow and upload it.

My cel phone is beeping...I wonder who is texting me at this late hour? My caller ID says it is from Gerard… Ah, the nightly “Good-night Love” message…

Some days he is very thoughtful and sweet. Some days he isn’t…

He screwed up the other day, and this time I won’t let him off easy…

*Are you sure you want to delete the text message?*

*YES*

*Message Deleted*

Good.

I have to go to bed.

Goodnight.

XOXO

Desirae

Proposal_Engagement 74 Days till Wedding

As of October 2011 Entry has been moved to:

myoddmarriage.blogspot.com 

:D

Check it out for Marriage Updates.

xoxo

Desirae Valdespino

Constant Updates_75 Days Till Wedding.

As of October 2011 Entry has been moved to:

myoddmarriage.blogspot.com 

:D

Check it out for Marriage Updates.

xoxo

Desirae Valdespino