Running into Daniel---64 Days Till Wedding

Dear Blog

The oddest thing happened today. I ran into Daniel Gregory.

My ex-boyfriend.

Here is a small secret: Daniel and I were dating for a month then Gerard proposed. No one knew we were dating; I had planned on telling Gerard when I saw him at Christmas. But then he asked me to help him secure his job by getting engaged.

Daniel and I got along very well, he was like a knight in shinny armor, but my heart was Gerard’s above anyone else’s. I met with Daniel after New Years and we had coffee. I didn’t give him the exact reason why I wanted to end it, I just told him I felt like I wasn’t into the relationship as serious as he was. I played the villain. He didn’t buy it. He tried fighting back, tried getting me to reconsider, but I couldn’t. I love Gerard and I’ve known him longer. I owe my friendship more to Gerard than to Daniel.

I remember the moment that I was breaking up with Daniel, Gerard called me on my cel-phone to tell me that his boss told him he was getting the job. I was happy for him; things were working out for him perfectly. I took it as a sign that I had to take the “fiancée” thing with Gerard seriously.

It broke my heart to see Daniel blame himself for having the relationship go astray so soon as so fast. I tried telling him that I was to blame, but he didn’t believe me. I knew I couldn’t tell him the real reason for the breakup. If I told him, he might go off and tell someone else. My engagement with Gerard had to be a secret.

After the coffee shop I hadn’t seen Daniel until now… We ran into each other at the mall. I was getting some new black high heels when I saw him standing across the store looking at a shirt. We stared at each other for a few seconds before embracing.

We talked for a few minutes before realizing that we had too much to catch up on. We went to the food court and had lunch.

“I can’t believe I’m running into you like this.” He said.

“Neither can I. How have you been? What have you been up to?”

“I am great. I’m going on an exchange program in January to Paris. So I’m just dealing with the final official documents.”

“Wow, Paris? Why Paris?”

“Last semester I met a girl from Paris. We’ve been dating for about six months now, but she goes back home in December. I am going with her. I’ll do a semester over there and then we’ll see what happens.”

“That is romantic! Oh, I wish you the best.”

“What is new with you? I heard about your last novel. Are you writing again?”

“I am still writing, but not as much as I’d like to. I am actually getting married in December.”

“You are getting married? Well congratulations! Who’s the lucky fellow?”

“Gerard Valdespino.”

“Gerry? Are you serious?” he laughed, but stopped when he realized I was serious. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh. I just… I always assumed Gerry was gay.”

I smiled and shook my head. “You know me. I can turn any guy straight.”

He laughed and congratulated me again. “So when is the wedding?”

“December 15^th at our Lady of Guadalupe church. You are invited to come of course.”

“I would love to come, Dessy, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to. I’ll be out of town from the 13^th of December until the 18^th.

We talked for a long time and caught up on lost time. I remember the feeling of being with him. I remembered what it was like the short time we were together. I wonder if I didn’t make a mistake by not telling Gerard that I was dating someone when he asked me. I know deep down that Daniel and I would have fallen apart sooner or later. I don’t regret the decision I took. I regret falling out of touch with Daniel…

As awkward as the meeting could have been, he made it fun. I am glad we had a chance to talk today.

Till next time.

Desirae

Some diary entry parts have been edited, removed or slightly changed so that I may keep some privacy. Nevertheless don’t doubt that much of what is written here is 95% in it’s original form.

Second meeting about Novel---65 Days Till Wedding

Dear Blog

I had a second meeting with my agent today. It wasn’t as eventful as I would have liked. There is still a lot of paperwork to be done. I need to go over some work with my editor to hand in a revised draft of my novel. This is going to take awhile… grrr…

I took me longer to get dressed in the morning than it took to have the meeting with my possible new agent and publishing house. I think my current agent/editor Graciela Ferriz, noticed my disappointment.

“You know how slow these things are De.” She said as I walked her to her car.

“I know. I think I just hope things would move faster this time. I hope things would have been for sure, and not still “maybe”. I want to make my novel work, but I’ll been very disappointed if I work hard on rewriting my novel only to have the publishing house say “no”.” I said.

“You have to take a risk if you expect to gain anything. Nothing is for sure.”

“I know. I am just swamped right now between work, school and planning the final details of the wedding.”

Graciela turned towards me and hugged me. “Everything will work out, don’t worry.”

“I know…or at least, I hope.”

“You’ll see… so, have you told Gerard about this possible new breakthrough?”

“No.”

“Afraid you’ll jinx it or that he’ll disappoint you?”

“I think it’s a little of both.”

She got in her car and started the engine. “You need to tell him. A marriage is based on trust and taking risks. There will be moments where he will disappoint you, just like there will be moments were most likely you’ll disappoint him.” Before I could reply she drove off. I didn’t need to reply…

I know he regrets what happened a month ago and I know that this won’t be the first time we have a quarrel.

My thoughts take me back to the day after he got back from his trip.

It was late at night when he stopped by the house. My parents were in the kitchen watching T.V. I didn’t want to make a show, or tell them we were still quarreling, so we went to a small park that was just a few blocks from my house.

Gerard: I´m sorry about what happened before I left.

ME: Don´t mention it. I don't want to talk about it. Why did you come? It’s late...

Gerard: Bryce and I thought that in order to try and make up for forgetting your big event that it would be best I come by and woo you to have dinner at any place of your choice this week.

ME: Do you honestly think that you can make up your mistake with a dinner? I don´t think so, especially when it’s clear that Bryce came up with that idea. I want you to leave now. You made it clear that this is an arraignment and nothing more. I am to be your show-case wife. You get to have the amazing job and lover. I will be here for appearances only. What you said before cut me deep inside and it showed me how much of a fool I've been. You made it clear that this is nothing for you...

Suddenly Andrew pulled me into an embrace, a strong hug that crushed my bones and burned my heart. It hurt me to push away, but I had to. I pushed and slapped him across the face as hard as I could. I had tears in my eyes.

ME: Don't ever do that. Don’t try and give me pity hugs, I won´t want to be your female version of Bryce. I will not be used, much less by you.

Gerard tried reaching out to touch my hand.

ME: Don't touch me! You have no idea how much you hurt me. Not because you forgot my event, but with the words you yelled at me afterwards. It hurt me Gerard, because I thought I was helping you and that you appreciated it. But it seems like you don't...

Gerard rubbed his head and sat on a bench that was nearby.

Gerard: I forget sometimes how hard this is for you. I forget that you're too good... too honest of a "wife" to look for happiness elsewhere, because you are very happy here with us... Because you take this seriously, you are an honest friend...

ME: I love you Gerard, as much as any friend could love another. I don't ask for much, except for you just take the time once in awhile to care for me. I'm willing to play the "wife" role and attend your conferences, meetings, promotions and more. All I want is for you to do the same. Be my "husband" even if it´s just for a little while. I mean... Bryce has been to more events of mine than you have. He has been more supportive than you have... I understand that this is just a facade. I understand that you will never love me, just don't use me. Don´t give me hopes of you ever becoming straight, because that is unfair. I´ve decided to spend the rest my life with you. So please tell me now if you are going to ignore me. Please tell me right now, if I'm just going to be another decoration in your home. Because if that is the case, then I am walking away from this right now. A marriage is based on trust and the couple being best friends. I believed with all my heart that we were best friends. I thought we could make "this" work. But I'll walk out the door right now, if you tell me that you don't care for me in the slightest... I need you to be honest with me. You owe me that much…

Gerard motioned for me to sit down next to him on the bench. I walked over and sat down. He took my hand in his.

Gerard: I'm sorry for all this. I'm sorry for dragging you into this mess.

ME: It's not a mess Gerry. I'm glad to help you...

Gerard: Hush love, let me finish... I am grateful for your help these past months. I am grateful for your friendship. Please don't think that I don't appreciate everything you do for me... for us. Bryce loves you, you have to know that. He really loves that you were willing to marry "us". Because the truth is, you married both of us. Your presence with us keeps us "straight" and allows us to have secure jobs. You have been a good friend, and you´ve made me happy. But I don't want my happiness to be at your cost. I apologize for what happened before I left. I truly apologize for forgetting your event and for the things I said. I also apologize for all the past times when you needed your "husband" and he was "off with a friend" or "busy at work". You have been an excellent fiancée. I will try and be a better future husband, but there has to be a limit. I can’t have you believing that I'll fall in love with you. You will only end up heartbroken. I really wish that after we were married that you would date, but I really doubt you’ll do that. Will you?

ME: No. I don't think so. I don't plan on it. I'm marrying you.

Gerard: You are committed to this and perhaps I should be a little more committed. I don't want you to leave. Not because I could lose my job, but because I'm afraid of losing my best friend. So please stay. Please don't leave this.

He held my hand in his and kissed it. It was sweet, it was sincere. I could hear the honesty in his voice. We walked back to my house.

ANDREW: Tomorrow, if it’s ok with you, I’d like to hear about your event and your day. I want to hear everything. I promise to pay attention. I promise I’ll listen…

Listen… that was all I wanted from him. He has been making an effort to listen and be more attentive with what happens in my life.

It doesn’t change the fact that I am terrified of telling him about my new possible novel. I wonder what he’ll think or say…

Desirae

Some diary entry parts have been edited, removed or slightly changed so that I may keep some privacy. Nevertheless don’t doubt that much of what is written here is 95% in it’s original form.

Family cookout---66 Days Till Wedding

Dear Blog

Today we had the family cookout at my grandparent’s house. We haven’t had a cookout like this in a while. My cousin is studying to be a chef, so he often comes up with creative dishes for the family. We are his experiment “guinea pigs”.

I have always considered myself a very picky eater and I rarely try new things. Whenever my cousin makes his dishes I am always hesitant to try them. (and I feel horrible about being like that. Sometimes I think he thinks I’m not supportive of his career.) He does make very, very delicious desserts and pasta. I have set myself a goal to try every dish that his makes.

This weekend he made Lemon Meringa Pie. It was fluffy, creamy and it just made your mouth water. I’ll probably dream about this pie for a long time.

Gerard showed up half an hour late to cookout because his brother borrowed the car the day before and slept over at a friend’s house. Gerard was pretty upset about his brother taking the car and it took me a few minutes to call him down once he arrived.

My grandfather has always been fond of Gerard, he loves talking about winery with him. I never used to drink Wine, until I met Gerard, who knows every kind of wine in the world. We must have drank 2 bottles of wine between the whole family (23 total today).

I was happy to see my cousins who live out of state and their children. My niece is seven years old and my nephew is four years old. My niece, Lily, looks like goldilocks, she has curly dirty blonde hair and is very hyperactive. My nephew, Warren, is just as hyperactive, but he has the attractive combo of dark hair and grey-blue eyes. I keep telling my cousin that when he is older he will be a handful.

“Aunt Desirae!” They yelled as they ran up to me.

“Hello Lillian and Warren!” I said as I scooped them up in a hug.

“Look! Look” Warren said showing me a snail cupped in his hands.

“Wow, look at that!” I replied.

“Where is Uncle Gerard?” Lily asked.

“He is over with your great-grandfather” I answered pointing in their direction. I watched them run into Gerard’s arms and laugh as he swung them around in the air. He watched in awe as Warren showed him the snail in his hand and took off with him to look for more.

“He’ll make a wonderful father someday” My aunt said as she walked up to me and watched him play with her grandchildren.

“Someday perhaps but not anytime soon.” I joked with her.

I know the wedding is still 66 days away and we won’t even think about talking about “having children” for at least a year. But I often wonder if he thinks about children… Before we got engaged we use to talk about children. He used to tell me he wanted to adopt two children and I would tell him I wanted to have six kids, a pair of twin girls and boys and fraternal twins. He used to laugh at my ideas and tell me I’d have to marry a millionaire to have so many kids. It’s funny how it seemed that we had a better communication before we got engaged. We haven’t spoken about the possibility of a family. His job has kept him busy and school has kept me busy as well. I shouldn’t let comments like that bother me. Even if it was a conventional marriage, we wouldn’t be talking about children so soon…

We spent the afternoon hanging out with my family and catching up with everyone.

Nothing very exciting to report from the afternoon; my family is just as insane and odd as ever. Gerard and I made our “couple” appearance and went through the whole details of the wedding (again!). Next weekend is my turn to have lunch with Gerard’s family. I enjoy spending time with his parents and family. They have been very accepting of me, so I have always felt comfortable with them. An interesting fact is that my family loves Gerard and he fits in with them very well.

In an odd way we fit together. We click and our families are very loving towards each other. I am very grateful that that small detail in our fate.

One thing that I noticed today was how cuddly he seemed to be. He hung over me all afternoon and randomly hugged me. I love the days he is like that. He is always telling me how much he cares for me, but then there are days where he really seems to mean it. Those days, like today, mean the most. He hugs me and looks me straight in the eyes and will say “I love you.”

That’s the guy I love. The guy who I adore like a brother.

Till next time.

Desirae

Some diary entry parts have been edited, removed or slightly changed so that I may keep some privacy. Nevertheless don’t doubt that much of what is written here is 95% in it’s original form.

Possible 2nd Novel Published---67 Days Till Wedding

I got a call yesterday from my editor/agent. A publishing house is interested in a novel I wrote a few years ago. I am excited. The first novel did very well; it sold out during the first two months. Now it is in the process of being translated into two languages. I am proud.

This second novel is very different from anything else I’ve written. It is memories of my high school years; my years of torment and bullying. The title and much of the “raw” topics have to be modified, but if all goes well, it looks like I may have a second novel on bookshelves by January.

Fingers crossed!! I have a second meeting with my editor the day after tomorrow.

Speaking novels and publishing’s… I haven’t told Gerard yet. I want to tell him. It has been a month since our big fight, but it is still a sore subject to talk about with him. We just got back on speaking terms. I am still mad at him, but we are working through it.

He knows how much he hurt me…and I guess every “couple” goes through rough patches…

[Diary Entry # 282

September 24^th,

10:00am

My grandfather has a small apartment that he rents. Right now it is vacant, so he was nice enough to let me stay at it while they fumigated our house. I am very allergic to the spray they use to fumigate. Mom and Dad stayed at home to take care of the dogs and overlook the workers. I will only be staying here for a week. I am enjoying the certain freedom of being on my own. Mom came over yesterday to drop of food, cleaning supplies and some cloths. I am excited this afternoon I have my First Translated book release party! The event is being held at a local bookstore and my family, colleagues and friends are attending. This is the first big event where I think Gerard can be proud of me. He will stand next to me and show everyone “This is my girl. This is the amazing woman I am marrying.”

To top off the celebration, I invited the guys over to my “new place” for dinner.

9:40pm

I am sitting at a coffee shop as I write this. I needed to get out of the house. I needed to clear my head. Gerry and I had a big fight. He didn’t show up. Bryce didn’t show up. I had to make up a lame excuse for my fiancée not being at my big event. I feel sick at my stomach. I feel heartbroken…

After the event I drove home. My parents wanted to come with me, but I told them I wanted to be alone. I lied and said I still have homework to do and I needed to concentrate. They congratulated me and then drove away. I walked into the apartment and started making dinner. Bryce showed up soon afterwards and helped me. I was drinking a wine and making spaghettis when he struck up a conversation with me.

“How was your day at work?” he asked.

I smiled and said “It was very fruitful. My fourth grade students are working on their short stories and my sixth graders learned the vocabulary for the novel they are reading this month. The remodeling they were doing in the library is done and now I have a little reading corner set up for the little kids. I’ll be teaching kindergarten again next year since I need to have more time off to be a housewife.”

“Has Andrew been getting on your case about being a housewife?”

“No. Not at all, on the contrary he rarely talks about it. I just want to have time to be more time at home, with you guys.”

“But we both work late.” He said as he munched on a piece of garlic bread.

“You could come home for lunch.” I said trying to sound encouraging.

“That is not a bad idea. I would love to have lunch at “home”.

“ Great, so starting next term, beginning of February you can have lunch at home. “

Bryce smiled and picks up a cold glass of water. “Aww. My tooth is so sensitive. I really need to get to the dentist.”

“Have you called to set up an appointment?” I asked, but I already knew the answer.

“No. I always want to call during my lunch break but then I get busy doing other things and I forget.”

I rolled my eyes. “I thought you might forget. So I called and made you an appointment for this Friday at 6:30pm. You need to get permission to leave work 15 minutes early so you can find a parking spot.”

Bryce caught me in an embrace “You are a saint. Thank you so much. Let me write it down in my agenda… (he starts jotting it down)…Rae.. is today the 24^th?

“Yes it is.”

“I have written in my agenda that today was your book release and signing at 4pm. Please tell me that I wrote it in the wrong day. “

“I am amazed that you did have it in your agenda after all… “ I grabbed my glass of wine and held back my tears as I took a drink.

“No! No! Desiree, please forgive me! I don’t know how I could have forgotten! I´m so sorry! How did it go? “

“I don’t mean to be rude, but Bryce, I really don´t want to talk about it today…”

“Oh Desiree, please, forgive me. I forgot, I had a lot of meetings to discuss my new movie. And I was having trouble with the editor who was helping me with the script. I’ll make it up to you…”

“Make it up for me? How in the world are you going to make up for the fact that you forgot my book release? What could you possibly do or give me? It was time and a moment in my life that you missed out on. You can’t take back lost time and try and fix it. You forgot, I get that, I understand that. Just don’t promise to make it up, because you can’t.”

I don’t know why I’m so angry at Bryce… I know my true anger is towards Gerard. I threw my glass of wine in the kitchen sink, shattering it. I put the sauce on the spaghettis and put it on the table.

“Dinner is served; Gerard should be here in about 10 minutes. I put the rest of the garlic bread in the oven. Leave the dishes when you’re done and I’ll wash them.”

“Desiree, we can wash the dishes, you don’t have to do that for us or him.” He grabbed my arm. “This is your celebration. You don’t have to do anything.”

“Don’t I? I mean, isn’t that what the future-wife is suppose to do? Isn´t that what I’m here for? To be his wife and your helper?”

The front door opened, followed by a “I´m home” and then a “wow, what’s this big meal for? What are we celebrating?” I didn’t answer; I simply walked away and slammed the door to my room shut. I could hear whispering on the other side of the door, then a lot of curse words followed with the phrase “that was today???” there was a knock at my bedroom door.

Andrew peeked his head in through the door “Can I come in?”

“No.”

He walked in anyway and sat down next to me on the edge of the bed.

“I’m sorry I forgot your event. I know that at least one of us should have been there. But Andrew was at a meeting and I was preparing the final photographs that will be displayed in the magazine next month.”

“Don´t lie to me please… it´s unfair. I called Andrew’s office at 4:30 and he was out to lunch with a friend and when I called your office you were also out with a friend. You both went to lunch together.” I answered as tears streamed down my face.

“You tried calling us?”

“ You cel-phones were off. You only turn them off when you are together at lunch. So, darling, I have a right to feel hurt. My family, friends and colleagues were there but my future husband and friend were not.

“I will apologize as a friend for not being there, but as a husband, I will not. You take this too serious. I am your friend, not your lover or husband. We are in this together as an agreement. Stop thinking it is real.” He answered getting up from the bed and staring down at me. It stung in my heart what he had just said. My sadness was replaced with a deep anger and pain.

“This really means nothing to you, does it? This is only business for you. I’m such a fool. You get the amazing job, the amazing lover and a stepford wife to keep appearances. I thought that perhaps you loved me a little. A little more than a friend but less than a wife… What about the kiss you gave me at our engagement party last month? You never kissed me like that, what was all that about? Was that an act to play with my feelings?”

“That kiss was nothing Desiree! Stop imagining more! I only kissed you like that because I was imagining that I was kissing Bryce! I was kissing him not you! So stop this one and for all.” He screamed at me, stopped, and then put his hand through his hair…

I felt sick at that moment. I felt the walls come in on me and the world fall apart around me. “You were thinking of Bryce? You sick bastard...This… this is it. I can’t take this … not from you.”

I grabbed my coat and ran out the house. Bumping into Bryce, who clearly heard the whole fight, and I got in the car and drove. I didn’t have any place in particular that I was driving to; I just got in the car and drove.

That is now I ended up here at an old coffee parlor. I walked in and sat a booth. I took long deep breaths to keep from crying in public. How humiliating that would be…

I’ve been sitting here for about an hour now. I have lost count of how many cups of coffee I had drank. All I know is that if those cups of coffee had alcohol in them, I would be laying on the floor passed out.

I better get back home now…

1:00am

I got home about an hour ago. I was surprised to see Gerard’s car still in the driveway. Bryce must have left. The kitchen was picked up and the food was away in the refrigerator. Gerard was sleeping on the sofa. I walked by him and into my room. The door accidently slammed when I closed it, waking up Gerard. I locked the door and sat on the bed. I could hear him on the other side of the door.

“Rae… it’s late. Are you ok?”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk to him.

“Please open the door. We need to talk… I’m sorry for what happened. I’m sorry for what I said…Listen. My job is sending me on a trip the day after tomorrow. Call me. I really want to talk with you before I leave…”

I could hear him leaning against the door, and then the creaking of the floor as he walked out the door.

You broke my heart Gerard. I don’t know if you understand how bruised I feel…]

END OF DIARY ENTRY # 282

I didn’t call him the day after that and we didn’t talk much during his two week business trip. Bryce took him to the airport and his father picked him up. I am grateful that he had that trip. It allowed me to have some space and deal with my feelings.

After his trip we got together for dinner at his place and discussed what happened… Perhaps I will go into that conversation later.

For now, I am happy. I am excited at the idea of having another book published… I will not tell anyone until it is a for sure thing.

XOXO

Desiree

Some diary entry parts have been edited, removed or slightly changed so that I may keep some privacy. Nevertheless don’t doubt that much of what is written here is 95% in its original form.