Self sufficient. Independent.

 

I grew up as an only child. I grew up around a lot of adults. I grew up believing that I should grow up fast and be an adult because people needed my help. People needed me to be strong and brave and always be available.

So I grew up believing that I should be self-sufficient. Independent. To no need anyone. To work alone and always efficiently. I’ve believed that I should never need anyone, that any problems i have I should keep to myself. That I should never cry in front of someone. That I should never get angry, because I’m always wrong. That i should keep everything bottled up and never express it.

I should always be “happy, cheerful and smile”. Sometimes this is so fake, that I don’t even realize it anymore. Very few of my friends know when I’m being true and when I’m forcing it.

I was meant to help other people. I have to always be available for them. My phone is always on. My cel phone always has to be in range. I have to let people know where I am at all times, because I’m terrified that if they try and call me and they aren’t able to get in touch, that it will be my fault.

I try doing the same things everyday, so I’m predictable and people know where to find me. I am here and I always will be.

I don’t care if you call me at midnight for help. I am happy to help and be there for people. I love helping. I love that I am “needed” in that way.

Just don’t except me to turn to you when I’m in trouble because I don’t think I will. I have been taught to be self-dependent. I have been taught to need no one. I have been taught to not cry. I have been taught that life is unfair but you must deal with it. I have been taught to be smart on my own, to do my best and never ask for help. I have been taught to be invincible.

All I ask, is that if you are going to want for me to be your confidant, your trustworthy person, your friend… just spell it out for me. Tell me, so I know in some small way, that you care. Just give me that… give me a small gesture that you care for me too, that you aren’t just using me.

Till next time.

Love

D.C.