Again?

I spoke with you today...
I spoke with you..my somebody that always listens to my problems, that is always there for me...
I appreciate you listening to me and being willing to try and help. But this is something I think, I need to try and do on my own. I just need you right now to understand that it is going to take some time and some patience on your part.

I fell in love again.
Well, perhaps not love. I mean, what is the big meaning behind that? It's too profound to simply be tossed around like that. Let's just say, my heart sank, my heart went out to a guy I met in the library. I was alone waling down the aisles, looking for a book when he stood next to me (also looking for a book). He looked at me and I looked at him. I offered him a small, polite smile, and he smiles back. We shared small talk in whispers. We spoke about books and other unimportant themes.
He smiled and we sat down on the floor flipping though books keeping up the chat.
It seemed unbelievable that a cute guy like that would talk to me, smile at me, stand by me or sit by me.
Suddenly another guy stood next to us and kissed my library-crush.
I should have know that such a cute guy who would actually smile at me and compliment me on how nice i looked, would turn out to be gay.
I have nothing against it... except that I keep falling for guys like that.
It almost seems unfair...If I'm going to keep falling for guys like that, won't at least one pretend to love me? Won't at least one care enough to love me back and decide to share a lifelong friendship? Aren't the "best" marriages best on friends?

I spoke to you today about this and you laughed and said that I shouldn't be silly. That i should stop torturing myself and simply understand that in this lifetime I will always be the friend and never the lover or wife.
That i was to always be the bridesmaid, the best friend, and never the bride.

But I'll prove you wrong. I'll prove that I am capable of having someone love me. Just because I'm always turned aside and cast as the best friend, doesn't mean I'll stop loving. I'll love everyone even though it hurts. I'll continue to fall in love though heartaches and your mocking.
I'll always be the loving friend if that is necessary. I won't turn my heart cold for you.
So yes...I was hurt to see my library-crush walk away with his boyfriend. But I'd like to think that that is me...except, I'm always walking away with my best friend by my side...
I'll always love you, no matter your interests.
I'll always be here for you.
I'll always love you, and I'll always love being by your side as a friend.


Or am I simply torturing myself and being cruel by staying at your side, still in love with everything you are?


love
D.C.