Dear Blog
I had a second meeting with my agent today. It wasn’t as eventful as I would have liked. There is still a lot of paperwork to be done. I need to go over some work with my editor to hand in a revised draft of my novel. This is going to take awhile… grrr…
I took me longer to get dressed in the morning than it took to have the meeting with my possible new agent and publishing house. I think my current agent/editor Graciela Ferriz, noticed my disappointment.
“You know how slow these things are De.” She said as I walked her to her car.
“I know. I think I just hope things would move faster this time. I hope things would have been for sure, and not still “maybe”. I want to make my novel work, but I’ll been very disappointed if I work hard on rewriting my novel only to have the publishing house say “no”.” I said.
“You have to take a risk if you expect to gain anything. Nothing is for sure.”
“I know. I am just swamped right now between work, school and planning the final details of the wedding.”
Graciela turned towards me and hugged me. “Everything will work out, don’t worry.”
“I know…or at least, I hope.”
“You’ll see… so, have you told Gerard about this possible new breakthrough?”
“No.”
“Afraid you’ll jinx it or that he’ll disappoint you?”
“I think it’s a little of both.”
She got in her car and started the engine. “You need to tell him. A marriage is based on trust and taking risks. There will be moments where he will disappoint you, just like there will be moments were most likely you’ll disappoint him.” Before I could reply she drove off. I didn’t need to reply…
I know he regrets what happened a month ago and I know that this won’t be the first time we have a quarrel.
My thoughts take me back to the day after he got back from his trip.
It was late at night when he stopped by the house. My parents were in the kitchen watching T.V. I didn’t want to make a show, or tell them we were still quarreling, so we went to a small park that was just a few blocks from my house.
Gerard: I´m sorry about what happened before I left.
ME: Don´t mention it. I don't want to talk about it. Why did you come? It’s late...
Gerard: Bryce and I thought that in order to try and make up for forgetting your big event that it would be best I come by and woo you to have dinner at any place of your choice this week.
ME: Do you honestly think that you can make up your mistake with a dinner? I don´t think so, especially when it’s clear that Bryce came up with that idea. I want you to leave now. You made it clear that this is an arraignment and nothing more. I am to be your show-case wife. You get to have the amazing job and lover. I will be here for appearances only. What you said before cut me deep inside and it showed me how much of a fool I've been. You made it clear that this is nothing for you...
Suddenly Andrew pulled me into an embrace, a strong hug that crushed my bones and burned my heart. It hurt me to push away, but I had to. I pushed and slapped him across the face as hard as I could. I had tears in my eyes.
ME: Don't ever do that. Don’t try and give me pity hugs, I won´t want to be your female version of Bryce. I will not be used, much less by you.
Gerard tried reaching out to touch my hand.
ME: Don't touch me! You have no idea how much you hurt me. Not because you forgot my event, but with the words you yelled at me afterwards. It hurt me Gerard, because I thought I was helping you and that you appreciated it. But it seems like you don't...
Gerard rubbed his head and sat on a bench that was nearby.
Gerard: I forget sometimes how hard this is for you. I forget that you're too good... too honest of a "wife" to look for happiness elsewhere, because you are very happy here with us... Because you take this seriously, you are an honest friend...
ME: I love you Gerard, as much as any friend could love another. I don't ask for much, except for you just take the time once in awhile to care for me. I'm willing to play the "wife" role and attend your conferences, meetings, promotions and more. All I want is for you to do the same. Be my "husband" even if it´s just for a little while. I mean... Bryce has been to more events of mine than you have. He has been more supportive than you have... I understand that this is just a facade. I understand that you will never love me, just don't use me. Don´t give me hopes of you ever becoming straight, because that is unfair. I´ve decided to spend the rest my life with you. So please tell me now if you are going to ignore me. Please tell me right now, if I'm just going to be another decoration in your home. Because if that is the case, then I am walking away from this right now. A marriage is based on trust and the couple being best friends. I believed with all my heart that we were best friends. I thought we could make "this" work. But I'll walk out the door right now, if you tell me that you don't care for me in the slightest... I need you to be honest with me. You owe me that much…
Gerard motioned for me to sit down next to him on the bench. I walked over and sat down. He took my hand in his.
Gerard: I'm sorry for all this. I'm sorry for dragging you into this mess.
ME: It's not a mess Gerry. I'm glad to help you...
Gerard: Hush love, let me finish... I am grateful for your help these past months. I am grateful for your friendship. Please don't think that I don't appreciate everything you do for me... for us. Bryce loves you, you have to know that. He really loves that you were willing to marry "us". Because the truth is, you married both of us. Your presence with us keeps us "straight" and allows us to have secure jobs. You have been a good friend, and you´ve made me happy. But I don't want my happiness to be at your cost. I apologize for what happened before I left. I truly apologize for forgetting your event and for the things I said. I also apologize for all the past times when you needed your "husband" and he was "off with a friend" or "busy at work". You have been an excellent fiancée. I will try and be a better future husband, but there has to be a limit. I can’t have you believing that I'll fall in love with you. You will only end up heartbroken. I really wish that after we were married that you would date, but I really doubt you’ll do that. Will you?
ME: No. I don't think so. I don't plan on it. I'm marrying you.
Gerard: You are committed to this and perhaps I should be a little more committed. I don't want you to leave. Not because I could lose my job, but because I'm afraid of losing my best friend. So please stay. Please don't leave this.
He held my hand in his and kissed it. It was sweet, it was sincere. I could hear the honesty in his voice. We walked back to my house.
ANDREW: Tomorrow, if it’s ok with you, I’d like to hear about your event and your day. I want to hear everything. I promise to pay attention. I promise I’ll listen…
Listen… that was all I wanted from him. He has been making an effort to listen and be more attentive with what happens in my life.
It doesn’t change the fact that I am terrified of telling him about my new possible novel. I wonder what he’ll think or say…
Desirae
Some diary entry parts have been edited, removed or slightly changed so that I may keep some privacy. Nevertheless don’t doubt that much of what is written here is 95% in it’s original form.
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