I got a call yesterday from my editor/agent. A publishing house is interested in a novel I wrote a few years ago. I am excited. The first novel did very well; it sold out during the first two months. Now it is in the process of being translated into two languages. I am proud.
This second novel is very different from anything else I’ve written. It is memories of my high school years; my years of torment and bullying. The title and much of the “raw” topics have to be modified, but if all goes well, it looks like I may have a second novel on bookshelves by January.
Fingers crossed!! I have a second meeting with my editor the day after tomorrow.
Speaking novels and publishing’s… I haven’t told Gerard yet. I want to tell him. It has been a month since our big fight, but it is still a sore subject to talk about with him. We just got back on speaking terms. I am still mad at him, but we are working through it.
He knows how much he hurt me…and I guess every “couple” goes through rough patches…
[Diary Entry # 282
September 24th,
10:00am
My grandfather has a small apartment that he rents. Right now it is vacant, so he was nice enough to let me stay at it while they fumigated our house. I am very allergic to the spray they use to fumigate. Mom and Dad stayed at home to take care of the dogs and overlook the workers. I will only be staying here for a week. I am enjoying the certain freedom of being on my own. Mom came over yesterday to drop of food, cleaning supplies and some cloths. I am excited this afternoon I have my First Translated book release party! The event is being held at a local bookstore and my family, colleagues and friends are attending. This is the first big event where I think Gerard can be proud of me. He will stand next to me and show everyone “This is my girl. This is the amazing woman I am marrying.”
To top off the celebration, I invited the guys over to my “new place” for dinner.
9:40pm
I am sitting at a coffee shop as I write this. I needed to get out of the house. I needed to clear my head. Gerry and I had a big fight. He didn’t show up. Bryce didn’t show up. I had to make up a lame excuse for my fiancée not being at my big event. I feel sick at my stomach. I feel heartbroken…
After the event I drove home. My parents wanted to come with me, but I told them I wanted to be alone. I lied and said I still have homework to do and I needed to concentrate. They congratulated me and then drove away. I walked into the apartment and started making dinner. Bryce showed up soon afterwards and helped me. I was drinking a wine and making spaghettis when he struck up a conversation with me.
“How was your day at work?” he asked.
I smiled and said “It was very fruitful. My fourth grade students are working on their short stories and my sixth graders learned the vocabulary for the novel they are reading this month. The remodeling they were doing in the library is done and now I have a little reading corner set up for the little kids. I’ll be teaching kindergarten again next year since I need to have more time off to be a housewife.”
“Has Andrew been getting on your case about being a housewife?”
“No. Not at all, on the contrary he rarely talks about it. I just want to have time to be more time at home, with you guys.”
“But we both work late.” He said as he munched on a piece of garlic bread.
“You could come home for lunch.” I said trying to sound encouraging.
“That is not a bad idea. I would love to have lunch at “home”.
“ Great, so starting next term, beginning of February you can have lunch at home. “
Bryce smiled and picks up a cold glass of water. “Aww. My tooth is so sensitive. I really need to get to the dentist.”
“Have you called to set up an appointment?” I asked, but I already knew the answer.
“No. I always want to call during my lunch break but then I get busy doing other things and I forget.”
I rolled my eyes. “I thought you might forget. So I called and made you an appointment for this Friday at 6:30pm. You need to get permission to leave work 15 minutes early so you can find a parking spot.”
Bryce caught me in an embrace “You are a saint. Thank you so much. Let me write it down in my agenda… (he starts jotting it down)…Rae.. is today the 24th?
“Yes it is.”
“I have written in my agenda that today was your book release and signing at 4pm. Please tell me that I wrote it in the wrong day. “
“I am amazed that you did have it in your agenda after all… “ I grabbed my glass of wine and held back my tears as I took a drink.
“No! No! Desiree, please forgive me! I don’t know how I could have forgotten! I´m so sorry! How did it go? “
“I don’t mean to be rude, but Bryce, I really don´t want to talk about it today…”
“Oh Desiree, please, forgive me. I forgot, I had a lot of meetings to discuss my new movie. And I was having trouble with the editor who was helping me with the script. I’ll make it up to you…”
“Make it up for me? How in the world are you going to make up for the fact that you forgot my book release? What could you possibly do or give me? It was time and a moment in my life that you missed out on. You can’t take back lost time and try and fix it. You forgot, I get that, I understand that. Just don’t promise to make it up, because you can’t.”
I don’t know why I’m so angry at Bryce… I know my true anger is towards Gerard. I threw my glass of wine in the kitchen sink, shattering it. I put the sauce on the spaghettis and put it on the table.
“Dinner is served; Gerard should be here in about 10 minutes. I put the rest of the garlic bread in the oven. Leave the dishes when you’re done and I’ll wash them.”
“Desiree, we can wash the dishes, you don’t have to do that for us or him.” He grabbed my arm. “This is your celebration. You don’t have to do anything.”
“Don’t I? I mean, isn’t that what the future-wife is suppose to do? Isn´t that what I’m here for? To be his wife and your helper?”
The front door opened, followed by a “I´m home” and then a “wow, what’s this big meal for? What are we celebrating?” I didn’t answer; I simply walked away and slammed the door to my room shut. I could hear whispering on the other side of the door, then a lot of curse words followed with the phrase “that was today???” there was a knock at my bedroom door.
Andrew peeked his head in through the door “Can I come in?”
“No.”
He walked in anyway and sat down next to me on the edge of the bed.
“I’m sorry I forgot your event. I know that at least one of us should have been there. But Andrew was at a meeting and I was preparing the final photographs that will be displayed in the magazine next month.”
“Don´t lie to me please… it´s unfair. I called Andrew’s office at 4:30 and he was out to lunch with a friend and when I called your office you were also out with a friend. You both went to lunch together.” I answered as tears streamed down my face.
“You tried calling us?”
“ You cel-phones were off. You only turn them off when you are together at lunch. So, darling, I have a right to feel hurt. My family, friends and colleagues were there but my future husband and friend were not.
“I will apologize as a friend for not being there, but as a husband, I will not. You take this too serious. I am your friend, not your lover or husband. We are in this together as an agreement. Stop thinking it is real.” He answered getting up from the bed and staring down at me. It stung in my heart what he had just said. My sadness was replaced with a deep anger and pain.
“This really means nothing to you, does it? This is only business for you. I’m such a fool. You get the amazing job, the amazing lover and a stepford wife to keep appearances. I thought that perhaps you loved me a little. A little more than a friend but less than a wife… What about the kiss you gave me at our engagement party last month? You never kissed me like that, what was all that about? Was that an act to play with my feelings?”
“That kiss was nothing Desiree! Stop imagining more! I only kissed you like that because I was imagining that I was kissing Bryce! I was kissing him not you! So stop this one and for all.” He screamed at me, stopped, and then put his hand through his hair…
I felt sick at that moment. I felt the walls come in on me and the world fall apart around me. “You were thinking of Bryce? You sick bastard...This… this is it. I can’t take this … not from you.”
I grabbed my coat and ran out the house. Bumping into Bryce, who clearly heard the whole fight, and I got in the car and drove. I didn’t have any place in particular that I was driving to; I just got in the car and drove.
That is now I ended up here at an old coffee parlor. I walked in and sat a booth. I took long deep breaths to keep from crying in public. How humiliating that would be…
I’ve been sitting here for about an hour now. I have lost count of how many cups of coffee I had drank. All I know is that if those cups of coffee had alcohol in them, I would be laying on the floor passed out.
I better get back home now…
1:00am
I got home about an hour ago. I was surprised to see Gerard’s car still in the driveway. Bryce must have left. The kitchen was picked up and the food was away in the refrigerator. Gerard was sleeping on the sofa. I walked by him and into my room. The door accidently slammed when I closed it, waking up Gerard. I locked the door and sat on the bed. I could hear him on the other side of the door.
“Rae… it’s late. Are you ok?”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk to him.
“Please open the door. We need to talk… I’m sorry for what happened. I’m sorry for what I said…Listen. My job is sending me on a trip the day after tomorrow. Call me. I really want to talk with you before I leave…”
I could hear him leaning against the door, and then the creaking of the floor as he walked out the door.
You broke my heart Gerard. I don’t know if you understand how bruised I feel…]
END OF DIARY ENTRY # 282
I didn’t call him the day after that and we didn’t talk much during his two week business trip. Bryce took him to the airport and his father picked him up. I am grateful that he had that trip. It allowed me to have some space and deal with my feelings.
After his trip we got together for dinner at his place and discussed what happened… Perhaps I will go into that conversation later.
For now, I am happy. I am excited at the idea of having another book published… I will not tell anyone until it is a for sure thing.
XOXO
Desiree
Some diary entry parts have been edited, removed or slightly changed so that I may keep some privacy. Nevertheless don’t doubt that much of what is written here is 95% in its original form.
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