Republishing an old post

 

Hi Readers!

I came across this old post I wrote in 2009.

I seems to explain what has been going through my head and what I've noticed that has gone through other peoples mind…

 

 

Deeper words within

No spell-check..
no thinking twice or re-writing in this note.. just words from the heart. Just the hidden words within.
Funny, isn't it? How the deepest most poetic and meaningful words come from the darkest corner of our soul.
Funny, that when your dreams are so close that you could touch them someone cuts the string in that dream and you fall into a bliss.
Strange that those who you were there for, aren't there at all for you.
Strange that those you never thought twice about, are the ones that care the most and look to carry your burden... but you´re too proud to let anyone else carry that burden which is rightfully yours. Or maybe you just know that what you carry, no one else could understand..
There is an eerie silence that bothers you. An unmoving silence that disturbs you. A darkness that holds the unimaginable. Something so deep that it resides in the deepest part of your mind.
Funny how the words you search for don't seem right.
Funny how your thoughts are eating your at night.
Strange that you look in the mirror and don´t recognize who you see.
Strange that you´re not sure this is who you want to be.
Imagine... all the answers you search for are in that hidden deep dark part of your mind. The answers that you will not face because you know they hold the truth.
The truth of your life.
The truth of who you gave your life to.
The truth of who you thought shared your life with you
The truth that trust has been shattered..
The truth that in that hidden dark part of your mind you see yourself shriveled up in a corner alone.
But then again, why should you hurt and die inside, and pay the blood price for something someone else did?
Why should you bleed for them... if they don´t care.

 

 

DC.

 

I wrote this at time when I was heartbroken and confused about the confidence I lacked. This helped me explain myself.

Hopefully it will help you guys a bit.

love

Desirae Valdespino

(yes, i will continue to sign with my married name)

Wedding POSTS MOVED!

Hi guys!
How have you been?
So I’ve decided to make changes to this blog.
Since I get messages about the wedding blog and a couple of you don’t know very well when it all started or get confused about what I’m writing about..
I’m moving the Blog Entries to a NEW BLOG:
myoddmarriage.blogspot.com

I will keep this blog, but I’m going to go back to my original idea of just writing my personal ideas and dilemmas here. My personal feelings, or writer inspirational moments for stories will be posted here. Anything referent to the marriage will no longer be uploaded here.

Wedding Blog:
OLD 2010/2011 Missing UPDATES that are referent to the Wedding Blog= My marriage with Gerard are posted on the new blog. Old entry that was missing an update has been updated or will be updated soon.
ALL future UPDATES will now be posted directly there. ( myoddmarriage.blogspot.com )

AFTER OCTOBER 10th, 2011
ALL The Wedding Posts will be deleted from this blog (artemiscristina.blogspot.com). Previous post will not be deleted and the account Will NOT be deleted. This will mainly just become my creative space.

How did I come up with that title for the New Blog?
Answer: Someone once mentioned that that was exactly how they saw my marriage and I have since referred to it as such. Gerry and I often say our marriage is unconventional and odd, but nevertheless there is l.ov.e.

Hope that you continue to stop by and read the updates. Feel free to suggest sites. I will try and add more of the cooking sites I’ve visited to improve my culinary skills!! Lol

Thanks for reading!!
Xoxo
Desirae

Updates! :D ...4 months till 1 year Anniversary

I keep meaning to write, but as I mentioned in my last post, my job has kept me busier than usual.

I’m still working as a teacher, I’m teacher Spanish again. I have 3 groups with 28-30 kids in each group, so most of my free time has been spent grading papers and planning activities. High school students are very hormonal. I had forgotten how dramatic seventeen and eighteen year olds are.

I know for a fact I was very dramatic in junior high school (not emotional, but I just made a big deal out of little things.)When I in junior high school I was the kind of girl who got picked last in gym, I was the girl left standing alone in the corner at school dances, I was the girl who was picked on, and I was simply the girl who did very well in school and poorly in “love”. (I hardly find high school love to be ‘real’ love. Now as I look back I think it’s more of a continued infatuation with the opposite sex.) I admit I was probably boy-crazy, but I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was in college. So by High school, I had a lot of self-defense walls up. It took me a long time to find friends whom I trusted. It took me even longer to become friends with guys.

Now here I am, married to my best friend, and I still wonder if I did well with love after all. I can’t believe that in 118 days, in four months, Gerard and I will be married for a year. Time has just gone by so fast!! We’ve had a lot of ups and downs this year. I look back now and the first few months before the wedding were very emotional, and the months after the wedding were challenging. We are still learning about each other and copping.

For the first time since we got married it’s just the two of us. Last month Bryce broke up with Gerry. Over the summer, mainly the month of June, Bryce started having trouble with his job and got very snapping with Gerry. They argued over silly things and finally there came a time when they couldn’t even stand the presence of one another. Last week Bryce officially got all of his things out of our house and moved back into his house (the people renting it left a couple weeks before, so the timing was perfect).

It has been weird these past weeks. I still speak with Bryce every Friday. I call him to check up. It became a habit while he was living with us to talk with him about what had happen during the day. I would not doubt that they will patch things up and he’ll move back in. I think they both needed a break, this past year has brought a lot of changes, and it’s good for them to get a fresh start.

Gerry is coming out of his depression and I see him very motivated at work. There hasn’t been a lot of excitement at work yet, but I know the Fall dress collection is coming out soon. I find it funny after all this time Gerard still tries to get me to dress like the models in the magazine. I tried it for awhile, but on my teacher salary it’s not worth it. So I told Gerry that if he wants me dressing that fashionably he needed to get free samples or buy it for me. That ended the discussion.

I’ve noticed that he’s taken up the hobby of photography. I think hanging around the photographers at work so much and observing how they direct the models, made him curious. He bought himself a nice Nikon digital camera. The first few pictures he took were out of focus and funny, he wanted to throw them away, but I loved the awkwardness in each picture, so I framed them. He’s gotten better at taking pictures and we have a couple very professional-looking pictures hanging on the wall in the entrance way.
I think this month he is going to start changing the small storage room in the back into a ‘red-room’ so he can develop his pictures at home. He used to take the roll to be developed at a local drug-store or sometimes at work. But he wants to be able to do it from home now.
Personally I think the room is too small, but I’ve learned not to argue with him. He has to find that out on his own…

Let’s see how that goes.

Till next time.

Xoxo

Desirae

PS. For the new readers who are just getting to know my/our story. Read from the beginning, the final days before the wedding, click the link below and start from there!!

October 1^st, 2010: http://artemiscristina.blogspot.com/2010/10/constant-updates75-days-till-wedding.html

For New Readers: Read From The Beginning

PS. For the new readers who are just getting to know my/our story. Read from the beginning, the final days before the wedding, click the link below and start from there!!

October 1st, 2010: http://artemiscristina.blogspot.com/2010/10/constant-updates75-days-till-wedding.html

xoxo

Desirae

Time passes by so fast

It's been awhile since I last wrote.
I know it's been too long.
My job has kept me busy. I've started a new school year as a teacher.
I am delighted with my job.
I am also working on a new story. A novel. My deadline is the first
week of November so I'm doing my best to write as fast as I can and
get it done.
My new students are very nice. I'm teaching tenth grade.
There are a couple new teachers in the school. I'm just getting to
know them.
Alexander is still around. He is a lot of fun to talk with.

Sometimes I can see that Gerry seems jealous of the way Alex looks at
me.

He and Bryce broke up about a month ago. That had Gerry very upset and
he fell into a deep depression. It took me a week to get him out of
the house and mingling.
That's actually a long story be I guess I will get back to that later

It is late and I need to be up by 6am.

I'll write more later.
Xoxo

Desirae

PS. For the new readers who are just getting to know my/our story. Read from the beginning, the final days before the wedding, click the link below and start from there!!

October 1^st, 2010: http://artemiscristina.blogspot.com/2010/10/constant-updates75-days-till-wedding.html

Changes

Today I donated my long hair to the Cancer society. I went to the hairdresser and had the young woman cut my waist-length hair. I haven’t my hair this short since I was in elementary school. The woman put my hair in a pony-tail and cut it at the beginning of the rubber band. It’s such a different look. It isn’t very stylish because I need it to let it grow a little longer so that when they cut it again it’s not too short.
When Gerry saw me I wasn’t sure what he thought. He kind of just stared at me trying to take in my new look. He simply said “You look different.” He’s always known me with long hair and used to tell me how much he loved it. My hair has always been my pride and I won’t lie, it was hard to give it up. But putting vanity aside, I feel good that some kid with cancer will have the chance of getting a wig made out of my hair. Besides I know my hair will grow back.
My family or friends haven’t seen with short hair yet. I wonder what they will think. Personally, I kind of feel like a soccer mom or like an older, more professional individual.
I wonder if I’ll end up keeping this look or if I’ll let my hair grow out again.

Anyway, I just wanted to offer a small update. :)

I’ll write soon again.

Xoxo
Desirae





PS. For the new readers who are just getting to know my/our story. Read from the beginning, the final days before the wedding, click the link below and start from there!!October 1st, 2010: http://artemiscristina.blogspot.com/2010/10/constant-updates75-days-till-wedding.html

Sad News on Mothers Day

Last night, the evening of Mothers day, at around 11:00p.m. I got a phone call from my parents.
My great-grandmother passed away. She was 96 years old.

I couldn’t believe it. She has been sick for awhile. It was as if she lost her will to live. It was heartbreaking to slowly see her body shut down. During the last months of her life, she mainly sat in her chair or laid in bed.

I knew she wouldn’t get better, but I never thought it would seem so sudden.

I got out of bed, still in shock over the news and walked to Gerard’s room. I knocking, figuring that the sound of the phone ringing had woken him up. He opened the door within seconds. I guess he knew something was wrong.

“Who called?” He asked as he rubbed his eyes.

“My parents, they called to let me know…” I suddenly had felt a knot building in my throat. “…that my great-grandmother just passed away.” 

In one quick motion Gerry stepped out of his room and embraced me in a hug. As soon as he did that I started crying. “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry to hear that.” He kissed the top of my head and rubbed my back.

“I..” I wiped my tears away with my bathrobe sleeve. “I have to go say good-bye. They are sending her body back to her hometown tomorrow morning so she can be buried with my great-grandfather.”

“Give me five minutes to put some cloths on and brush my teeth. I’ll come with you. I’ll drive.”

Small details…He didn’t ask if I wanted him to come. He offered. He said he’d come. He wanted to be there for me.

We got dressed and drove the 30 minute drive to my great-grandmother’s home. I’m not sure I would have been able to do it on my own.

One of my biggest wishes was that she would see me get married. I am so grateful that she did. I  see it as a blessing that she was well enough to come to my wedding and stay at the reception a while. She was also so blessed to have been able to see three great-great-grandchildren on behalf of my cousin.  I couldn’t ask for more. She got to see me walk down the aisle to a wonderful man she adored when she first met him. It was selfish on my behalf to wish she could see my first child.

The drive over was silent. Gerry drove the car with one hand and held my hand with the other. When we got there it seemed like my whole family was inside. We shared tearful hugs and condolences. My great-aunt and grandmother fussed with the paperwork that was necessary to call the funerary. I walked into the bedroom. The doctor was there and had he body covered with a white sheet. It was like an eerie scene from a movie. She looked so tiny and fragile. Gerry stood behind me and put his arms around me. (Later he told me he did that because he said I looked so pale he was afraid I was going to fall.) As he hugged me, tears kept rolling down my cheeks. Time seemed to stop. I sat down next to the bed and reached out to touch the sheet covering her hand, but I stopped. I didn’t want to touch her cold skin. I didn’t want to see the woman beneath the sheet. I didn’t want to remember her like that. I wanted to remember her as happy and vivid as I’d seen her during my whole life.

It took another hour before the funerary people came and took her body away. I am so thankful to have had Gerry there with me. He didn’t say much, but his presence and support really helped me. I know my family felt the huge loss and we could support each other. But having my husband next to me was comforting.

Once the body was taken away and the arraignments were done we headed home. It was close to 4:00 in the morning. I couldn’t sleep. Even though I had to work in the morning. I went into the kitchen and made some tea. Gerry joined me and we sat on the couch and reminisced about my great-grandmother.

Eventually the emotional exhaustion and late hour tired us out and we feel asleep on the couch. We woke up a couple hours later to the smell of food. Bryce had gotten up and made us waffles and cut up fruit for us.

Needless to say the day seemed gloomy for me and tiring for Gerry. We both came home and took a nap. I woke up a little bit ago finish some random chores around the house. Now I’m just typing about my day and getting ready for a new day.

My great-grandmother was a wonderful woman. She was always smiley and giving. I’ll miss her. I’ll miss her stories. But she’ll always be present in our hearts.

 

Let your family members know you love them. Every time you see them. Tell them that you appreciate them.

 

xoxo

Desirae