Feb.. come and gone..

The next post, I'll add the top list of things Why IT is GOOD to Be Alone or Single on Valentines Day...

For now.. this post is just to let you all know that I'm still alive.
I have not forgotten you.

I've been busy with work and all... and I'm pursuing a dream!!! Oh!! I do hope it comes true... :)

Here's a song that has been on my mind! :D
enjoy
Till next time (tomorrow hopefully)

love
D.C.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idfP2u0UGRo&feature=related

To my friends.

I love you all very much.

I love how each one of you has given me the confidence to get up everyday.

I love the strength you give me.

I love who I am with you.

But most of all, I love that I've become a better and stronger person with you. It is amazing that you care for me too.

To my friends who are going on exchange programs all over the world.
Have a safe trip.
Have the time of your life.
Take lots of pictures.

I'll be here, as always, waiting as a friend to hear and cheer you on.
I love you all!!!
Take care!!!



love
D.C.

My daze, my change

Change

This is probably my first post of in this year. I would have hoped it would have been nicer or better, yet right now my mind is in a daze.

Change.

I don’t deal with it well. I don’t like change. I like things to be constant, predictable.

I like the idea of having only one family.

I like the idea of living in one house forever until I get married and then have my own ONE house.

When I was 8 years old my parents decided to build the “dream house”. They sold the only house I’d known for 8 years and then things changed. Things seem burry when I try and remember it.

Good memories and bad memories are there…

I feel like a scratched record...

I feel suddenly like everything i was once sure of, now doesn't make sense...

My parents want to sell the house. They bought a sign and all. They're going house-hunting.

I hate change. I don't do well with it.

I hate moving. I hate packing boxes. I hate the idea of leaving the dream house they built.

Stability. That's all I want.

I'm weird... i know, but change, a "sudden" change (i guess in the end it was suppose to be expected and not so sudden), in my life right now has me upside down.

I can't concentrate as easily. I'm feeling confused. I'm feeling hurt.

And what feels worse is that my support-group, is leaving on exchange programs. I know I need to be more independent, and not rely on friend (support-group)...but they mean so much to me...

So, I'm awkwardly acting-out. I feel like such a child.

It's not my intention to act-out, pick arguments, cry, be depressed or seem bi-polar, or not be able to concentrate, I think it's more of a self-defense mode.

But I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know what to feel.

Change. Moving... i hate it.

My home, my room....it's suppose to be a stable place. It's suppose to be my "safe" place. Home is suppose to be where i can be myself, where things aren't so chaotic. Where things are balanced, calm...safe.

Home is where the heart is, but right now my heart is lost.

My mind is lost.

And once again, school feels heavy. I've considered dropping 1 class...because things at home have me lost. But i don't want to drop it and fall behind.

I feel so lost.

I feel so helpless.

I know in the end it's all up to me.

But right now, I feel worse... i feel history repeating itself.

I feel what I felt when I was 8 years old and we first had to moved to a rental house while we built this dream house. I'm back to the unstable me. I'm back to being the girl who moved from 3-4 rental houses between the ages of 9 and 12.

What am I suppose to do? I can't tell my parents how i feel. It will only make it worse.

I can't deal with the idea of moving from homes again. I can't deal with the future arguments and fights. I can't deal with the fact that this next move will probably end my parents marriage.

I can't deal with this feeling of loneliness and uncertantiy that fills my head and heart.

I'm scared, because I feel so unprepared for this. I'm scared because I don't know what to feel. I'm suppressing my true emotions and my self-defense mechanism is coming out.

I can feel myself rebelling and as much as I want to stop, I can't. Because feeling angry and "ignoring" the true feeling, keep me from having to look in the mirror everyday.

you don't have to reply. you don't have to say anything.

i guess, all i needed was someone to listen.

and also, i want you to know, that if i'm weird these next few days, weeks, months, etc... it's just my self-defense. It's just me, trying not to remember what it was like moving, and feeling unbalanced, unsafe, unsure...

I just need a friend to listen, because I'm scared of what may come. I'm scared because from now on there will be "good days" and there will be "very bad days."

I hope i don't say or do anything to hurt you my friend. If i do, just ignore me and forgive me. I'll make it up someday....promise.

I'm terrified. I'm scared.

Till next time

Love

D.C.

December 30th

Almost New Year..

Wow....

Time goes by so fast...

I need to update this blog ASAP!!


it's almost midnight, and i'm falling asleep, so i'll update later.


take care all!!

I do promise to write before this year is over!!


till next time (or tomorrow, but SOON)

love
D.C.

December already...

I can't believe it...
It's december...
I only posted about 5 times last month.. shame on me. hahah

Actually, I was in final projects and all...so that's my excuse, defense.

Yesterday, sunday, was pretty cool. My mom had some friends over and they had a cookie baking marathon. They made zillion of cookies. It was very impressive. :)

I have to say, eventhough the air was very sweet and i felt like i was getting a sugar high, i enjoyed it. It's aways fun to have people visit your home.
Later that night we went out to see the christmas parade. It was cool.
Policemen dressed as Santa were riding their motocycles. It was noisy, but entertaining. :D

Usually, I'm very much into the christmas spirit, but this year has been kind of hard getting into it.
I hope as time goes by, it gets better. I hope that as the days roll by and the Posadas and christmas shopping for family and friends apporches that I will be more in a Christmas Spirit than I am now..

I feel very much like The Grinch...
Or even Ebenizer Scrooge...

Happy Holiday People
I'll keep you all posted later. Till next time.

Take care.

love
D.C.

Just ask...and I'll love you

IF YOU ASKED ME TO

Used to be that I believed in something
Used to be that I believed in love
It's been a long time since I've had that feeling
I could love someone
I could trust someone
I said I'd never let nobody near my heart again darlin'
I said I'd never let nobody in

But if you asked me to
I just might change my mind
And let you in my life forever
If you asked me to
I just might give my heart
And stay here in your arms forever
If you asked me to
If you asked me to

Somehow ever since I've been around you
Can't go back to being on my own
Can't help feeling darling since I've found you
That I've found my home
That I'm finally home
I said I'd never let nobody get too close to me darling
I said I needed, needed to be free

(But if you asked me to)

Asked me to, I will give my world to you baby
I need you now
Ask me to and I'll do anything for you baby, for you baby

If you asked me to
I'd let you in my life forever
If you asked me to

Till next time.

love

D.C.

Incredible Weekend...

I love my friends.
I love them soooo much!!

This weekend was amazing!! Just awesome!!!

I'll definitely have to write about it tomorrow!!!

Till TOMORROW!!!

love
D.C.