Self sufficient. Independent.

 

I grew up as an only child. I grew up around a lot of adults. I grew up believing that I should grow up fast and be an adult because people needed my help. People needed me to be strong and brave and always be available.

So I grew up believing that I should be self-sufficient. Independent. To no need anyone. To work alone and always efficiently. I’ve believed that I should never need anyone, that any problems i have I should keep to myself. That I should never cry in front of someone. That I should never get angry, because I’m always wrong. That i should keep everything bottled up and never express it.

I should always be “happy, cheerful and smile”. Sometimes this is so fake, that I don’t even realize it anymore. Very few of my friends know when I’m being true and when I’m forcing it.

I was meant to help other people. I have to always be available for them. My phone is always on. My cel phone always has to be in range. I have to let people know where I am at all times, because I’m terrified that if they try and call me and they aren’t able to get in touch, that it will be my fault.

I try doing the same things everyday, so I’m predictable and people know where to find me. I am here and I always will be.

I don’t care if you call me at midnight for help. I am happy to help and be there for people. I love helping. I love that I am “needed” in that way.

Just don’t except me to turn to you when I’m in trouble because I don’t think I will. I have been taught to be self-dependent. I have been taught to need no one. I have been taught to not cry. I have been taught that life is unfair but you must deal with it. I have been taught to be smart on my own, to do my best and never ask for help. I have been taught to be invincible.

All I ask, is that if you are going to want for me to be your confidant, your trustworthy person, your friend… just spell it out for me. Tell me, so I know in some small way, that you care. Just give me that… give me a small gesture that you care for me too, that you aren’t just using me.

Till next time.

Love

D.C.

Again?

I spoke with you today...
I spoke with you..my somebody that always listens to my problems, that is always there for me...
I appreciate you listening to me and being willing to try and help. But this is something I think, I need to try and do on my own. I just need you right now to understand that it is going to take some time and some patience on your part.

I fell in love again.
Well, perhaps not love. I mean, what is the big meaning behind that? It's too profound to simply be tossed around like that. Let's just say, my heart sank, my heart went out to a guy I met in the library. I was alone waling down the aisles, looking for a book when he stood next to me (also looking for a book). He looked at me and I looked at him. I offered him a small, polite smile, and he smiles back. We shared small talk in whispers. We spoke about books and other unimportant themes.
He smiled and we sat down on the floor flipping though books keeping up the chat.
It seemed unbelievable that a cute guy like that would talk to me, smile at me, stand by me or sit by me.
Suddenly another guy stood next to us and kissed my library-crush.
I should have know that such a cute guy who would actually smile at me and compliment me on how nice i looked, would turn out to be gay.
I have nothing against it... except that I keep falling for guys like that.
It almost seems unfair...If I'm going to keep falling for guys like that, won't at least one pretend to love me? Won't at least one care enough to love me back and decide to share a lifelong friendship? Aren't the "best" marriages best on friends?

I spoke to you today about this and you laughed and said that I shouldn't be silly. That i should stop torturing myself and simply understand that in this lifetime I will always be the friend and never the lover or wife.
That i was to always be the bridesmaid, the best friend, and never the bride.

But I'll prove you wrong. I'll prove that I am capable of having someone love me. Just because I'm always turned aside and cast as the best friend, doesn't mean I'll stop loving. I'll love everyone even though it hurts. I'll continue to fall in love though heartaches and your mocking.
I'll always be the loving friend if that is necessary. I won't turn my heart cold for you.
So yes...I was hurt to see my library-crush walk away with his boyfriend. But I'd like to think that that is me...except, I'm always walking away with my best friend by my side...
I'll always love you, no matter your interests.
I'll always be here for you.
I'll always love you, and I'll always love being by your side as a friend.


Or am I simply torturing myself and being cruel by staying at your side, still in love with everything you are?


love
D.C.

Cupid is gay...

Bed! Bed! I couldn't go to bed!
My head's too light to try to set it down! Sleep! Sleep!
I couldn't sleep tonight.
Not for all the jewels in the crown!
I could have danced all night!
I could have danced all night!
And still have begged for more.
I could have spread my wings
And done a thousand things I've never done before.
I'll never know What made it so exciting;
Why all at once My heart took flight.
I only know when he
Began to dance with me I could have danced,
danced, danced all night!

indeed, indeed
wouldn't you all enjoy a laugh?
wouldn't you all care to know about my second half?
he was cute and kind
he blew my senses away, i was out of my mind
i thought everything was perfect
i thought the law of attraction would take effect
and stupid cupid got in the way
shot my crush right through the heart
and shot my best friend Derek too
So once again,
cupid, cupid, you little piece of ...
shot my crush and turned him gay
can't you see my best years are wasting away?


hahaa... this one is for YOU!!!!

love
D.C.

No more “Andrew Chronicles” on blog…

Hello!!

I’m afraid I won’t be posting anymore of “The Andrew Chronicles” on the blog anymore. However, those of you who know my writing-updates, can still get updates on the story by sending me an email and subscribing to my “fanmail”  writerupdates_dc@yahoo.com.

This was “fan base mail” that a couple of my friends started up 2 1/2 years ago. Every two months i send out a letter with an update on ALL my novels, short stories, poems, etc… and answer any questions about my writings to that email. So if you want to subscribe just send me an email with the SUBJECT: SUBSCRIBE.

I try and answer the emails as frequent as possible, don’t get discouraged if it takes me a while to answer. I get busy with school and work.

anyway! take care!!

love

D.C.

Pause from Story... A TEENAGER IS...

A Teenager is...

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

Entry #6—Before the Party at Andrew’s Job

Entry #6—February 6^th, Saturday

Dear Diary

Today is Andrew’s business party. My nerves are killing me. I’ve tried on the dress hundreds of times and I’ve practice walking with my new high heels around the house.

Andrew called awhile ago, he is picking me up early at 6:30, so we can stop by the hospital and then head on over to the party, which starts at 7:30. I called the salon to see if they could give me an early appointment so that I could get my hair done and makeup. It’s humid outside and I’m afraid my hair might fizz.

I’m not sure what else to write. It’s 11:00am, I’m still in my PJ’s. Dad is at the hospital doing a surgery, and mom is out at her support group. The house is very silent, so I turn on the TV to watch the news. Suddenly I see Gregor on the news. The anchor girl is interviewing him.

“Hi, I’m Lynda Green, Broadcasting from Headquarters of Style-Faze magazine. I’m here with Gregor Hythel, supervisor of the department. His recent fashion show was a huge hit, so lets see how he feels about this…”

I picked up the phone and dialed Marc’s number as fast as I could.

Marc: Hello?

Me: Turn on the TV on channel 14. They’re interviewing Gregor!

Marc: What? Really?

(I heard him turn on the TV)

Gregor: I started showing an interest in fashion when I was in high school. In college I was lucky enough to find some very good teachers in college and I had very supportive friends. My family was hesitant of me entering such am industry…

Interviewer: Your designs have shocked everyone with it´s originality. There is rumor of a second Run-way show next month. Are you excited?

Gregor: Of course I’m excited. However I won’t be able to enjoy the moment until after the evening is over.

Interviewer: I see that today you are wearing one of your own designs, but where is your trademark blue jacket?

Gregor: Oh, (smiles and winks at the camera) I´m not wearing that today because my special someone is taking care of it for me.

(on the other side of the phone I could hear Marc asking over and over “did he just say ‘my special someone….’?. I smiled and allowed him to have his privacy listening to the TV. I hung up and turned off the tv when the weather man came on.)

I have to run up to take a shower; it’s almost time for me to get going to the hair salon.

I’ll write later!!

Desiree

Andrew chapter tomorrow!!

I’ve gotten it started!! I’ll try and post it tomorrow!!!

 

Remember, it’s Andrew’s work party and Desiree gets to wear the new dress and all!!!

Lots of fun details!!

Romance!

 

ps. Don’t call Andrew, “Andy”!! I don’t like how it sounds!!!

 

love

D.C.