Dear Blog
I am sitting in the eating area typing because while Gerry watches TV in the other room. I should be grading my students month exams, but I think my mind is still chewing on the conversation that Gerry and I just had.
We were sitting on the couch together watching a movie on the TNT channel. I was looking around the room, observing ‘our’ things; the sofa, the desk, the knickknacks, the carpet, the small table in the middle of the room, etc. A curious thought popped into my head.
“Gerry…” I said.
He answered with a grunt while his eyes stayed glued to the TV.
“I know its still very early in our relationship, but have you ever thought about what would happen if this didn’t work out?”
This caught his attention and he shifted to look at me. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, have you ever thought that in the future you might want to get a divorce and marry someone else?” I could see a rather dazzled and confused look in his eye.
“Why are you asking that? Where is this coming from?” he asked. “I have not thought at all about the future of this relationship. I take it day by day. I haven’t even gotten used to the idea of “us” being married.” He stared at me and then continued “Are you having second thoughts?”
“No, no I’m not having second thoughts at all. I guess I was just curious…” I suddenly felt uncomfortable by blurring out my thoughts.
“What is on your mind?”
“Nothing really.”
“Are you sure?”
“I think that by looking around our house, I see that there are pieces still missing and in a sense it feels incomplete. As if it was empty or waiting to be packed up again. It reminds me of all those arguments my parents used to have…”
“You’re talking about all those fights they had when they wanted to get a divorce?”
“Yes.”
“Look Rae, I know that was hard for you. But in the end they stayed together. Things were hard and uncertain for awhile with you. I remember your teary midnight phone calls. It was very hard for you. However things worked out for them, they got therapy and stayed married.”
“But…”
“But if you would like to discuss the “hypothetic situation, the what if…” we can talk about it.”
“I just need to express that, If in the future, you want out or I want out we know what might happen.”
“Sure.” He leaned closer to me and hugged me. “So, if we got a divorce who get’s this sofa?”
“You Do!! It’s your sofa and it’s the worst thing in this house…” I answered jokingly.
“Deal. That’s all I want…” He turned the TV on mute. “What do you want?”
“I would like for things to be divided equally. Whatever I buy is mine and whatever you buy is yours. Everything in my room comes with me. Everything in your room goes with you. Whatever we bought together or for the house gets sold and we split the earnings. The house gets sold and we split the earnings as well.”
“Seems like you have given this a lot of thought…”
“I really haven’t thought about it much. It is just that I went through the heartbreak of watching my parents walk through the house yelling at each other and then going through the drawls and grabbing things, saying ‘this is mine’ or ‘that’s mine’…. I hated that. I hated the possession of things they bought together or for each other. I hated the fighting. “
“I promise that if this arraignment ever has to end, we will discuss it calmly. As heartbreaking as it may be, we will do things equally. Honestly above everything. Right?”
“Yes….Thank you.”
He put his arm around my shoulder and said “stop thinking such negative things. We’ve only been married three months.”
I don’t know what made me think of this. I guess it was just a random thought. But its nice to know that he took it serious. It is nice to know that I can count on him.
We have said it before, but our relationship has always had to be based on honestly. Even if it hurts. No lies, no disguise.
Now I better get back to checking my students exams.
till next time
XOXO
Desirae
