Change
This is probably my first post of in this year. I would have hoped it would have been nicer or better, yet right now my mind is in a daze.
Change.
I don’t deal with it well. I don’t like change. I like things to be constant, predictable.
I like the idea of having only one family.
I like the idea of living in one house forever until I get married and then have my own ONE house.
When I was 8 years old my parents decided to build the “dream house”. They sold the only house I’d known for 8 years and then things changed. Things seem burry when I try and remember it.
Good memories and bad memories are there…
I feel like a scratched record...
I feel suddenly like everything i was once sure of, now doesn't make sense...
My parents want to sell the house. They bought a sign and all. They're going house-hunting.
I hate change. I don't do well with it.
I hate moving. I hate packing boxes. I hate the idea of leaving the dream house they built.
Stability. That's all I want.
I'm weird... i know, but change, a "sudden" change (i guess in the end it was suppose to be expected and not so sudden), in my life right now has me upside down.
I can't concentrate as easily. I'm feeling confused. I'm feeling hurt.
And what feels worse is that my support-group, is leaving on exchange programs. I know I need to be more independent, and not rely on friend (support-group)...but they mean so much to me...
So, I'm awkwardly acting-out. I feel like such a child.
It's not my intention to act-out, pick arguments, cry, be depressed or seem bi-polar, or not be able to concentrate, I think it's more of a self-defense mode.
But I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know what to feel.
Change. Moving... i hate it.
My home, my room....it's suppose to be a stable place. It's suppose to be my "safe" place. Home is suppose to be where i can be myself, where things aren't so chaotic. Where things are balanced, calm...safe.
Home is where the heart is, but right now my heart is lost.
My mind is lost.
And once again, school feels heavy. I've considered dropping 1 class...because things at home have me lost. But i don't want to drop it and fall behind.
I feel so lost.
I feel so helpless.
I know in the end it's all up to me.
But right now, I feel worse... i feel history repeating itself.
I feel what I felt when I was 8 years old and we first had to moved to a rental house while we built this dream house. I'm back to the unstable me. I'm back to being the girl who moved from 3-4 rental houses between the ages of 9 and 12.
What am I suppose to do? I can't tell my parents how i feel. It will only make it worse.
I can't deal with the idea of moving from homes again. I can't deal with the future arguments and fights. I can't deal with the fact that this next move will probably end my parents marriage.
I can't deal with this feeling of loneliness and uncertantiy that fills my head and heart.
I'm scared, because I feel so unprepared for this. I'm scared because I don't know what to feel. I'm suppressing my true emotions and my self-defense mechanism is coming out.
I can feel myself rebelling and as much as I want to stop, I can't. Because feeling angry and "ignoring" the true feeling, keep me from having to look in the mirror everyday.
you don't have to reply. you don't have to say anything.
i guess, all i needed was someone to listen.
and also, i want you to know, that if i'm weird these next few days, weeks, months, etc... it's just my self-defense. It's just me, trying not to remember what it was like moving, and feeling unbalanced, unsafe, unsure...
I just need a friend to listen, because I'm scared of what may come. I'm scared because from now on there will be "good days" and there will be "very bad days."
I hope i don't say or do anything to hurt you my friend. If i do, just ignore me and forgive me. I'll make it up someday....promise.
I'm terrified. I'm scared.
Till next time
Love
D.C.
